i already forget how i used to feel about you

I have no one to talk to. I don't dare to talk to anyone and the only one I dare spill my heart out to won't tolerate my nonsense.

Who knows that every single day is difficult for me or that I still cry everyday? Everyday on the way home from work I cry for an entire hour on the train and on the bus like a pathetic loser. I don't care what people think or say. I cry all the way till I reach my gate and then I wipe my tears and smile again. The same formula everyday, the same song like a broken record.

I can't help myself from being ungrateful or unappreciative. I really don't know how to see the good anymore. God's sovereignty towers over me mercilessly like a cold unfeeling wagging finger.

How do you love me God? Please remind me. I don't know how much I have left in me.

I know I really don't understand because your ways are higher than mine and because I'm so finite whereas you are infinite. But it is precisely because I really don't understand that it hurts so badly. It's because I'm so horribly weak that I just can't take it. I admit it, I am stupid and I am weak. If I could see your wisdom and if I were stronger I wouldn't be suffering the way I am now.