i already forget how i used to feel about you
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
painfully honest.If I had to list my greatest sin of all time, I guess that will have to be that of vanity. Now, now, stop rolling your eyes like you knew it all along. It isn't as if YOU aren't guilty of that sin. Everyone is vain, it just differs on the degree of vanity. Vanity doesn't stop short at physical appearances. It extends to being result-conscious, brand-conscious, FRIEND-conscious.. anything that would affect your image.
Vanity was encouraged ever since I was a little girl. No, my parents didn't tell me to be vain. They didn't tell me that make-up and pretty dresses are essential for happiness. They always told me that happiness is independent from material and worldly possessions. My dad told me never to date a rich man because you might be dating him only for his money not for love, or you don't know whether your relationship can withstand the test of financial strain(my mom told me never to date a man who doesn't pay, but that's a different issue altogether).
Now, vanity was encouraged through praise. Whenever my grandma praised me with "oh what a sweet little girl you are..
hou lang.. lang loi.. jin swee..". Vanity was encouraged when family friends praised me "oh your daughter's so pretty!" Whether they meant it or not is immaterial. You don't really know how hypocritical the world is when you're five and sucking on a lollipop.
Vanity was encouraged even through fairytales. Every princess is beautiful. Every prince fell in love with a beautiful princess. The world is so unfair. Princes can come in the form of frogs and beasts and bears but no.. not for girls. Princesses are always beautiful and gracious. No matter what. And don't you list Shrek to prove me wrong. Now, say it to my face, blame me for being vain. Look at the toys around little girls. Have you EVER seen a fat barbie?! Or any doll for that matter? How about just a pimple? Ok, fine, just a mole. Find me a doll with a mole. Don't draw one on, that doesn't count. And now, tell me. How can I not be when everything around me was engineered to make me vain?
My earliest memories were of being obese. Yes, I was obese. I remember being barred from sweets and chocolates (I never had a sweet tooth so i was ok with that) and cokes and MACDONALDS (now that hurt. no french fries, uh-uh. )when I was little. I remember relatives saying how fat I was and how chubby I was and how cute I was. and I remember being affected about it. Yes, as a 3 year old I was affected by weighty issues. You don't tell a little girl she is ugly and make a joke out of it. We remember. Never mind that it was just baby fat and that 8 years down the road I was to be severely underweight (No, the weight loss was not intentional). The fact remains that nearly 20years later, I still remember uncles pinching my cheeks and saying "wah your girl is a ball." And I still recoil from horror stories of how my maid quit because I was getting too heavy for her to carry when I was 8 months old. I'm not ashamed of the fact that I was fat but at that point, when I was obese, I remember feeling that it was not ok to be obese. I wasn't devastated but I knew fat was not pretty.
Everything was fine, and I was contented being my mummy's sweet little girl. Then adolescence hit me and that was when things went downhill. When girls started growing taller than me, when they started filling out in areas where I was and am obviously still lacking in. I never had a serious skin issue till I reached university so I was saved from that. I dealt with being too skinny for a long time. I looked too young, I hated it when people kept saying I was sweet and cute. I wanted to be more than just cute. I wanted to be beautiful. stunning. gorgeous. something more than just sweet.
I don't think my mom realised the impact she had on me. My family has extremely acerbic tongues. I'm considered kind compared to the rest of my family. And I'm not exactly tactful. The women in my family embrace tact like LKY embraces democracy. Unlike most mummys who think their girls are future miss universes, my mom does not think I am beautiful. She goes the other extreme. She thinks I'm a freaking genius. She calls me the brain and my sister the beauty. Not that she doesn't love me, I know she does. She is very proud of me. But she doesn't see me as beautiful.
"Eunice, actually you are very pretty. You just need to change your face and body." (classic)
"Can you stop eating so much carbo? Will grow fat one you know"
-grabs my arm- "hmmm.. getting big ah.."
"why your face like that?"
"you want to go for plastic surgery when you're older?"
"you know your husband really loves you because he definitely didn't marry you for your looks"
"Where did my figure go? Why didn't you inherit it?"
I know you think she was just joking. I'm telling you, she wasn't. She wasn't saying it in jest. I don't think she meant to hurt me. She's not that cruel. She's just painfully frank. She honestly thinks I'm plain. Not that I'm ugly. But..plain. To a young girl trying to figure out her self-worth in the midst of growing up, it was quite a realisation that I was nothing but plain. I was not special.
Now, I may be vain but that doesn't mean that I spend hours in front of the mirror. And contrary to what I hear people say about me, no I don't spend hours dressing up before I go out. I don't choose clothes to wear the night before. I spend half an hour MAX dressing up. Usually 5-10min. I don't use make-up unless I'm working or when it's a big night out. I don't understand why people say I over-dress because I'm in tanktops and jeans most of the time. Yes I have boots. Yes I have unusual stuff. Yes I like bright coloured stuff. But most of the time, I'm in cargo pants and jeans and flipflops. I can dress up if I want to but I don't do that unless its a special occasion. I don't have an extensive skin-care routine. I don't shop much. I am careful with my money and what I spend it on. I buy only when I REALLY REALLY like something. When that happens, I don't mind spending. But that's extremely rare and happens maybe twice or thrice a year.
My vanity is confined to the way I feel and react. I may not spend an hour a day on my face, comb and style my hair when I leave the house or apply mascara or lip gloss or foundation. But I do get upset over breakouts and bulging tummies. I hate the way my hair falls. I hate the way people gossip about my weight gain or my frumpy dressing. I hate it. I may solve bad hair with ponytails and weight issues with baggy clothes. Practical fuss-free solutions. But I do get affected. I express my vanity not through excessive efforts to beautify myself. I am extremely fuss-free. I NEVER blow my hair. I am vain because I am concerned about how I look.
The more I think about it, the more I think this vanity stems from an innate need for self-validation. When you're more confident about yourself, you don't care as much about how the world views you. You feel good about yourself. You feel unique and special. I think that's one of the greatest pull of being in a relationship. Look at the people around you. Don't they seem happier, more radiant, more confident when they are in love? They smile more, they walk taller, stand straighter. Because you are and feel wanted.
Was it because I had to split my parents' attention and time with their never-ending work and other committments with 3 other siblings? There was once I went to stay over at my friend's place. I was 14 or 15. I told my mother but she probably didn't take much notice of it or she forgot. At 11+ when my dad returned, he asked my mom where I was. That was when she realised that I was missing and started to panic. Imagine if my dad had not realised I was gone, I could have been out gallivanting the whole day and my parents would not have noticed. Perhaps this lack of attention affected me more deeply than I had perceived. Maybe I need validation from the world because I never really got attention as a kid. Not that I wasn't loved. Not that they neglected me. But they gave me a lot of freedom and independence which perhaps liberated me more than necessary. Maybe subconsciously, I lacked a strong parental presence to validate me. My parents praised me and trusted me a lot. Maybe a bit too much then.
Look at the world around us and how it expects us to be a certain way. Who can blame another for being a certain way? It seems that we have to be a certain way, to act a certain way, to be funny in a certain way in other to be related to. in order to feel beautiful and attractive. It seems impossible to be ourselves, to be wholly unrelated to the world's expectations and still be accepted.
Nonetheless, it seems hardly an excuse to be this insecure about myself especially since I am a Christian. Why should I let the world and how the world views me dictate how I feel about myself? What does it matter to be accepted by the world, or to be validated through the eyes of the world as long as God loves us?
"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world the love of the Father is not in him"-1 John 2:15
It must be that I fall short of what a Christian should be like. And I fall so short.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Sunday, May 14, 2006
extracted my wisdom tooth on saturday. interestingly enough, it wasn't as painful as i thought it would be. after all the horror stories of high fevers, weeks of soft diet, excruciating pain, sleeplessness, i was really quite surprised that it was a relative breeze.
ok i had 4 roots instead of 2 and my tooth was growing sideways AND rotated inwards instead of going out normally. in the words of the dentist, i had "a monster tooth". but this dentist is DAMN GOOD! i didn't even know the extraction was over and i seriously didn't feel a thing. it was soo much better than extraction for braces where i was strapped to the dentist chair for 5-6 hours.
to anyone who wants to have his/her wisdom tooth extracted. Dr. Aaron Seet from Universal Dental Group. Toa Payoh Central. He's SOO good. extremely professional. extremely nice. I was quite shocked that he had a really strong aussie accent having lived and worked in adelaide for a while. AND he lived in canada too. quite interesting guy. great conversationalist. 600-700 for one tooth. worth every cent of it.
that having been said. OH MY GOODNESS. the swelling. i really look like a squirrel with nuts stashed away in a cheek. the lump on my cheek is literally the size of a ping-pong ball. and im so not kidding. the pain is bearable, the soft diet is do-able. but the swelling is OH-MY-GOODNESS-SUPER-DISGUSTING.
im supposed to go to a trial tmr with the famous davinda singh v. sarjit singh. i really really want to go!! but how in the world am i going to be able to make it with a tumour on my face?! i have a week's worth of mc. should i make use of it?
Saturday, May 13, 2006
i want to love life. i want to see it as a gift and not a burden. i want to see a reason for my existence. is life a passion or a series of obligation for you?
sometimes i feel like im not good enough. not good enough for anything or anyone. not good enough for me. sometimes i feel like everything i do lets someone down. sometimes i feel that people don't understand. sometimes i feel that its better to be dead than alive. sometimes i feel that the world is not my world and i belong somewhere else. sometimes i feel that even death is not enough that just disappearing and disintegrating into complete non-existence might be the cure. nothingness is an attractive concept. no happiness no unhappiness. state of neutrality.
sometimes i look at life and im afraid. it's one big circle that you can't break out of. you keep travelling around in the same vicious cycle and you're imprisoned by the same events over and over again. i don't want to go back. i don't want to look back. but so many times i feel a force compelling me to return to what i try so hard to avoid. close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by. but will it really?
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Frozen coffee
There's a heavy silence hovering, my;
Eternal stasis amongst the myriad fidgets.
You see the world pass you by
As your waxed wings melt and fall.
Open Pandora's empty box of sin,
You know what lies beneath;
Zeus' triumph versus Man's apathy
Uninteresting seduction of dulled glitter.
Won't you look at the man across the road;
He sees right through your lies.
Won't you look at the miracle of your breath;
It colours and shades the glass in front.
Fire doesn't burn, water doesn't drown.
Winds of change move the carousel;
Round and round, like the story you live.
Lies carry more truth than truth itself.
Your lovely mottled bruise
Finds expression in stillness
Pink butterfly on your neck,
its freedom sacrificed for your release.
and yet i hear your desperate plea.
i promise(d) not to judge.
you know i have and never will leave
maybe that's why you look right through me.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Medusa was a monstrous female character whose gaze could turn people to stone.
Some classical references describe her as one of three Gorgon sisters. Medusa, Stheno
, and Euryale
were monsters with brass hands, sharp fangs and hair of living, venomous snakes. The Gorgons and their other sisters the Graiae (and possibly the Hesperides
) were daughters of Phorcys and Ceto. Some versions read that Medusa's sisters transformed themselves into monsters in order to protect Medusa.
In the most well known version of the myth, Medusa originally started out as a beautiful woman. She had sex with -- or was "raped
" by -- Poseidon
in Athena
's temple. Poseidon was an arch-rival of Athena's since at one time he vied for patronage of Athens
; the soon-to-become Athenians chose Athena's offering of the olive
tree over Poseidon's offering of horses or a spring of water.
Upon discovery of the desecration of her temple
, Athena changed Medusa's form to match that of her sister Gorgons as punishment. Medusa's hair turned into snakes and her glance would turn all living creatures to stone. She was banished beyond the Hyberborean
lands.
While Medusa was pregnant by Poseidon, she was beheaded in her sleep by the hero Perseus
with help from Athena and Hermes
, who supplied him with winged sandals, Hades' cap of invisibility, and a sickle. From her neck came her offspring: Pegasus
and Chrysaor
. Perseus used Medusa's head to rescue Andromeda
, kill Polydectes
, and, in some versions, petrify the Titan Atlas
. Then he gave it to Athena, who placed it on her shield Aegis
.
Another well known version is that the once human Medusa claimed to be more beautiful than the greek Goddess of love and beauty, Aphrodite. This caused her to turn Medusa and her sisters into Gorgons.
Daedalus contrived to make his escape from the prison he was in, but could not leave the island by sea, as the king kept strict watch on all the vessels, and permitted none to sail without being carefully searched. "Minos may control the land and sea," said Daedalus, "but not the regions of the air. I will try that way." So he set to work to fabricate wings for himself and his young son Icarus. He wrought feathers together beginning with the smallest and adding larger, so as to form an increasing surface. The larger ones he secured with thread and the smaller with wax, and gave the whole a gentle curvature like the wings of a bird. Icarus, the boy, stood and looked on, sometimes running to gather up the feathers which the wind had blown away, and then handling the wax and working it over with his fingers, by his play impeding his father in his labors.
When at last the work was done, the artist, waving his wings, found himself buoyed upward and hung suspended, poising himself on the beaten air. He next equipped his son in the same manner, and taught him how to fly, as a bird tempts her young ones from the lofty nest into the air. When all was prepared for flight, he said, "Icarus, my son, I charge you to keep at a moderate height, for if you fly too low the damp will clog your wings, and if too high the heat will melt them. Keep near me and you will be safe." While he gave him these instructions and fitted the wings to his shoulders, the face of the father was wet with tears, and his hands trembled. He kissed the boy, not knowing that it was for the last time. Then rising on his wings he flew off, encouraging him to follow, and looked back from his own flight to see how his son managed his wings. As they flew the ploughman stopped his work to gaze, and the shepherd leaned on his staff and watched them, astonished at the sight, and thinking they were gods who could thus cleave the air.
They passed Samos and Delos
on the left and Lebynthos
on the right, then the boy, exulting in his career, began to leave the guidance of his companion and soar upward as if to reach heaven. The nearness of the blazing sun softened the wax which held the feathers together, and they came off. He fluttered with his arms, but no feathers remained to hold the air. While his mouth uttered cries to his father, it was submerged in the blue waters of the sea, which thenceforth was called by his name. His father cried, "Icarus, Icarus, where are you?" At last he saw the feathers floating on the water, and bitterly lamenting his own arts, he buried the body and called the land Icaria
in memory of his child. Daedalus arrived safe in Sicily
, where he built a temple to Apollo
, and hung up his wings, an offering to the god.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Musee des Beaux Arts - W.H. AudenAbout suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters; how well, they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.
In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned in life: It goes on." -Robert Frost
Sunday, May 07, 2006
if i could count the many reasons why i love you so
for the ever-bubbly, ever-adorable shen. who cannot pry herself apart from her boyfriend and who we cannot pry ourselves away from. for teaching us russian poker and analysing magic tricks with me. for being the source of embarrassment when we are ASKED TO LEAVE THE CLUB BECAUSE WE ARE NOT 18. and for always being the last to bathe.
now now where do i start. haha. for being our mother hen, maria, gambling addict and COMPLETE BRIDGE IDIOT all rolled in one. for wanting me oh-so-much she insists on being ON TOP (bunk bed lars what were u thinking hurhur). Kiasu yan. insists on eating and eating and eating to make our money worth. must eat restaurant food because it's coupon-based. must steal food to eat for 2nd supper. must report to whole family onboard and offboard. really mother-in-making.
for the ultra beautiful fangs, who goes to lengths to change her birthday celebration for me. my lesbian lover, who i
just love to love. who loves to eat bread crusts without the bread. who is super dao to indonesian ah-peks and then later worries that they will do voodoo on us. we're how hot. even indian aunties want to take photos with us like we're celebrities. right fangs? my only tvb drama partner!! absolutely adore her.
what would i do without you? remember our promise to be really good sentosa guides. bright red lipstick, thick bushy eyebrows, layers and layers of clothes, army friends, huge spectacles, PLUS. the hair. OH THE HAIR. ;)
Friday, May 05, 2006
Ever since i was a little girl, i have enjoyed doing personality quizes. Isn't it silly that people want to "discover" who we are and pigeonhole ourselves in the midst of such discovery? Maybe there is no such thing as "you are an extrovert" or "you are an introvert". Maybe we are extroverted at times and introverted at times. We are a unique mixture of many things and there shouldn't be a dichotomised us.
A friend once told me that we wear many masks to suit various occasions. That there really isn't a REAL you behind all these various masks. All these masks are the real you. I'm beginning to see the sense behind his words. We are all interesting hybrids of each other, of various characters. We act according to different circumstances and we display a certain mask from our range of veneers.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that life is a mere masquerade, a facade of sorts. What I am saying is that each of us have numerous sides to us and that we're not merely one-dimensional but have many facets and have colourful kaleidoscope-like personalities because each of us have different layers and shadows and depths to ourselves.
My friend also opined that we don't have a single identity but many. That I disagree. We have a single identity that is multi-faceted. In the many veneers that we display, some we display more often than others. Perhaps that is our predominant side of our identity. That is not to say that the other less-displayed masks fail to make up who we are too. All these masks make up one identity.
We're not schizophrenic because in schizophrenia the multi sides to the person are exclusive. On the other hand, we have perfectly compatible sides to us. These sides may appear contraditory at times but they coexist and the appearance of one side does not deny the existence of another. Whereas in schizophrenia you cannot be both at the very same time. The different characters exist in the same body but not in the same breath.
It is often said that the burning question of modern man is the search of self-identity. Delving deeper than this, let's ask ourselves why this is the burning question. Why is the discovery of self-identity all so imperative to our existence? It is because we want to know who we are that we attempt to dichotomise ourselves into factions, choosing to see ourselves as one kind rather than another is it not?
We all like to see ourselves as being characters of principles, with strong roots and values, rather than malleable and easily-manipulated creatures. Perhaps that is why we have this tendency to WANT to pigeonhole ourselves. So that we will act and choose our ways according to those characteristics that we have restricted ourselves to.
This is why we are resistant to the idea that we have various masks to ourselves because it implies that we do not have strong self-identities. Yet this thinking is dim. Just because we have various sides to ourselves does not make us weak characters. Rigidity does not determine strength. Even if stubbornness and obduracy may imply tenacity, variety does not imply the lack of tenacity or necessary compliance.
What may be said is that having so many dimensions to us give us the excuse to say that "this is who I am" when it is actually not who we are. Which is exactly the problem of pigeonholing ourselves. Why is it that once we display a certain facet or side as another person that we automatically become synonymous with the other person? Sure, there may be overlaps but being similar and being identical are vastly different concepts.
There can be 2 playful persons with hugely contrasting values and principles. Just because they share a similar side does not make them identical to each other. When one of them relaxes and conforms to the principles of the other person, he should not have the excuse to say "but this is also who I am" because it is not who he is.
Pigeonholing may create this falsified sense of belonging to a certain ethos, and sometimes we fear that if we don't pigeonhole we end up losing more and more of ourselves. What I'm saying is that it is an antiquated concept. Pigeonholing restricts us unduly because we psyche ourselves into thinking we have only these certain dimensions or elements to ourselves. We close doors and confine ourselves to the boundaries of the cubbyhole we have delineated ourselves and we lose the real us as we inhibit the parts of us that fall out of the margins that we have drawn.
On the other hand, not pigeonholing ourselves does not give us an excuse to betray who we are because it does not create multiple personalities. It merely acknowledges that we are all different beings.
top 10 things learnt from the trip10. We hate to be the last to bathe or the first to wake up
9. We like magic tricks
8. We are really one family complete with our own mummy
7. We're gambling addicts and we do actually strike jackpot.
6. We're ABSOLUTE gluttons and proud of it.
5. We're ah-bek-attractors (especially short and stout indonesian men)
4. We're friendly sentosa tourguides
3. We're the life of every party when we club.
2. We cannot do without supper and resort to stealing food.
1. We love each other so much.
muacks. i love my favourite girls.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
missing someone is a relative concept, associated with a sense of loss. so when i say i havent missed something in a long time, what i'm actually saying is that i havent experienced a sense of loss in a long time.
the sense of loss is relative to having something. how can you lose something when you havent had that something? therefore, when i say i havent missed something in a long time, what i could be saying is, i havent lost something in a long time and that is because i haven't had something to lose in a long time.
sometimes you're so used to living without something in your life that it no longer becomes a loss or a void. it becomes integral and a part of you so that you don't even realise you don't have it anymore. and you start to wonder whether that something ever belonged to you.
'i don't miss being happy. not because i am happy, but because i've forgotten what it was like to be happy. or maybe i never was, so i dont know what it is like to be happy. thus i cannot miss being happy when i never had happiness.'
Monday, May 01, 2006
really really really wanna shop.
really really really broke.
really really really too fat to buy clothes anyway.
really really really depressed.
seriously in need of retail therapy. bangles, bags, SHOES, dresses, jeans, tops, skirts, belts, necklaces, earrings, jackets, shades, hats, watches, beauty products.. sigh.
my wardrobe is bursting and i want more stuff. which is puzzling because ill only wear the same stuff over and over again. and i still havent collected my dress which i bought more than a month ago.
it's one thing when you are playing the fool, acting cool and all. it's another when you say things maliciously. innocent chatter is one thing. intruding into another's privacy like this is another altogether. hello, people have rights to privacy. when you do and say things like this 'for fun', people do get affected and offended. you have no right interfering in another's private life when she obviously wants to keep it secret. you have no right saying insulting, demeaning things about others. stop this individualism and look at people around you. just grow up and see that you're not the only person in the world. this has gone beyond being "oversensitive" or "overreacting." what has the world done against you that you have to slam the whole world like this?
elections are really exiciting. it's like political epiphany after public law. im under PM Lee, and somehow people here seem to like WP without even knowing who WP members are. queer. What happens if PAP loses AMK? No more PM Lee.. I can hardly imagine.
The Gomez incident is intriguing. Now, why will he want to lie about not submitting the form? What is there to be dishonest about? HMMM.. Is PAP blowing it out of proportion? 1st Secretary General Wong said that Gomez knew it was a mistake of consequence and not merely administrative, or he would not have apologised. Is that a good argument? What's wrong with apologising for a purely administrative mistake? Why does the fact that Gomez apologised indicate his craftiness? So it is his second time being caught for adminstrative mistakes. But what does he gain from cheating the system? It's not like he wouldn't have been accepted as a member of the minority (hello look at him). Shall wait to hear what WP has to say.
On the other hand, Defence Minister Teo did have a point when he said distractedness is hardly a believable excuse for a politician of Gomez's experience and that a politician is not allowed to be careless. Whatever the case is, Gomez really shouldnt have pinned the blame on the elections committee, being all adamant and all about his innocence. Now he faces the consequences of his foolhardiness. Would the situation be different if PAP had made the mistake? PM Lee says "you know i would take it seriously." do i know? hmm.
shall leave my comments to myself on which party i like to myself. not like i can vote anyway. cannot appear to support any one party. political blogging of such nature is banned. :X
happy to see You again.
hypnotised?
:)
i wish you'd just get out of my life and leave my family alone.
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