i already forget how i used to feel about you

Addicted

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon
I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time

And I know
I let you have all the power
It's like the only company
I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me

And I know
I let you have all the power
And I realize
I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me


It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone

And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

A child's cry

I blow my happy bubbles
They float right up in the air
I blow my happy bubbles
They rise without a care

Iridescent in the bright sunlight
You touch my soapy dreams
So there goes my pretty bubbly sight
Frightened behind sunbeams

My happy bubbles you destroyed
So that's the game you play
Destroying bubbles that's your ploy
You ruined my happy day

So now I'm left without bubbles
Hopelessly alone I cry
I'll never blow another bubble
Too scared of another goodbye

So I passed my driving test a little less than a week ago. It was a miracle considering the number of lessons I took after the last failure and the severe lack of sleep because we were so busy entertaining the North Carolinas. I was so so so sure I would fail again.

So before I went on the test I just prayed really really hard and told God to drive. And all went well. So well, I got a whopping 0 points. You know what a miracle that is? I'm the sort of driver you do not ask how many points I got. You ask how many immediate failures I got. And I got ZERO?! (p.s. I was not wearing a short skirt or anything like that)

Well, I had an amazing tester who FOR ONCE actually said good morning when I said good morning to him. Who actually made conversation with me and told me not to be nervous (like it was hard to tell I was nervous since my breath was shaking). On top of that, I had the EASIEST test route. Nonetheless, I credit my passing to God because Lord knows (ok everyone for that matter) I suck.

Well, if I thought passing the Traffic Police Test was tough, boy passing the Daddy test was helluva lot harder. I think I better stop driving. I'm giving my daddy a heart attack soon. EVERYTIME I'm behind the wheel he turns into this paranoid monster with lungs the size of the airbag. He yells and he screams. He's just short of pulling his hair and turning purple, I tell you.

"STOP! Can't you see you don't have enough space?"

"SLOW DOWN!!! WHAT'S THE HURRY?!?!?!" (fyi, 40km/h IS pretty slow)

"GIVE WAY TO HIM!!!!!!" (I am giving way. And how in the world do you know it's a HIM? Seems like all drivers have the same sex i.e. male unless of course it's a bad driver and the world automatically says 'what kinda lousy driver is SHE?' sexist I say, sexist.)

I tell you, I better be kind to my daddy and just quit driving altogether. He's so desperate for me to stop driving his car he told me to contact my driving instructor again, and check this out. He's willing to PAY to let me drive another man's car. Figure that out.

Now that I've graduated into the REAL driving world. WHOA. What happened to giving way and safety man? My dad's gotta be the safest driver in the world. He always signals, checks his blind spots, keeps to the speed limit. ALWAYS. That's the world I'm used to. But when I'm behind the wheel, boy are the drivers bullies. I know the P-plate's a license to bully but can you please observe safety?

Oh Drivers, PLEASE SIGNAL. I mean, if you want to cut into my lane, by all means. But please signal. How the hell am I supposed to know whether you're just a lousy driver who cant keep strictly to his lane or you want to cut my lane?! And. Braking does not equal signalling. I've had enough of silly drivers who just brake and brake and I'm wondering "HUH?" Like those red lights are supposed to tell me you want to change lanes? Excuse me mister (ah yes, I'm sexist too), signal lights are ORANGE darling.

And taxis. They're a safety hazard. Stop stopping along the road as and when you like. It's not funny especially when you're driving with your dad. Taxis change to the extreme right lane and then to the extreme left to pick up some passenger in a matter of 1 minute. No wonder they're always brightly coloured. They're a safety hazard!

To all the drivers out there, I may be a rookie but please do not bully me. I know I'm not the best driver in the world but I'll learn. Plus, I signal and I observe the traffic rules, so I kinda think that makes me a better driver than 80% of you out there ok. And quoting from army friends, "don't take my kindness as my weakness." So there.

Caleb, 18m/usa/aspiring pastor. FUNNIEST person ever. like seriously.

my future bro-in law as you can see.

sharing a cuppa

introducing my summer romance, the new love of my life Daniel from North Carolina. He's GORGEOUS. You can't really tell from the photos but he really is so in real life. Only 1 7 and already 192cm.

couple shot couple shot. ;)

guitar freak. :):):)

with Caleb

the boys.

the boys again.

he's a chick magnet.

or just really good with kids :):)

the truth about addictions.

i was watching oprah winfrey (now now. for the millionth time, it's not a trashy show!) and the topic of the day was about teenage girls addictions. Some are addicted to alcohol, some to drugs, some to sex, some to food, some to cutting themselves, some to violence and the list goes on.

What struck me was how each and everyone of them had something in common. All these addictions were but fronts to hide something. Some emotional hurt, a shameful past, a part of their lives that they were unwilling to confront. There was this guest on the show who said something so insightful it carved onto my memory. She said "you use alcohol to run away because when you're knocked out you don't have to deal with anything. You dig a hole for yourself to escape into. But this hole can be so deep it can eventually be your grave." what powerful words and how oh-so-true they are. Addictions are not merely physical compulsions. They go deeper than that. They are more emotional and mental than anything else.

Each of us is addicted to something for the way it helps us deal with something. Some people are addicted to love. They can't live without being attached. They are addicted to the feeling of being loved and in love because it makes them feel special and gives them a sudden focus in their lives. The other topic of the day in the show about girls who were abused by their boyfriends. I see these girls as being addicted to their boyfriends because they wouldn't leave their other halves even when they have had their heads bashed and lips cut and whatever else. These girls are addicted to how the relationship makes them feel, clinging onto "love" even when they know it's probably anything but "love".

Everyone of us has an addiction and it all boils down to how it makes us feel. Strangely, addictions can feel empowering. When you play well in a game you feel empowered. When you gamble and win, you feel empowered. The irony of it is that this empowerment is nothing but empowerment for the addiction because you just go deeper and deeper in it and lose more of yourself. Some are addicted to smoking. It's not just the nicotine that keeps smokers addicted. It's the ritual, the habit. It's the way smoking relieves. Again, it's the way smoking helps them feel. Some people binge. Some people shop. We do all this to escape from something momentarily. For just a split moment, to be empowered.

There was another segment in the show focusing on mean girls in high school and how they traumatised the lesser popular girls. Dr. Robin Cook is a famous teenage psychologist and she said that all bullies bully because they hate themselves. The more I think about it, the truer it is. SO many of us gossip and put people down. We cut others and tear them apart. We make them feel smaller than they actually are. Sometimes we are jealous of that person. Sometimes we're not. Sometimes we genuinely feel "higher and better" than that inferior person. But one thing that always remains true is that we cut people down to feel better about ourselves. When others are small we appear big. Which is why Dr. Cook says bullies bully because they hate themselves. They hate themselves and want others to feel smaller so they can be bigger. Bullies are insecure and attack the self-esteem of others so others can feel like they do. They empower themselves not by adding something to themselves but by taking something away from others. Again, I say these people are addicted to bullying and mean behaviour because of the way bullying empowers them or at least, gives them a false sense of empowerment.

The truth about addictions is that addictions empower us momentarily. An escape for a while. It's a falsified sense of empowerment. This empowerment can be an active sense of feeling better than what we really are, or passive by giving us an escape. What we are addicted to is not the addiction per se. Rather, we are addicted to the way this addiction empowers us even if it's just momentarily.

did that make sense?

ranting
i feel so pressed for time. so many things to do, so little time, so little energy. well actually it's not that i don't have the time, but that i cant coordinate the schedules of everyone else. everyone is working and is only free for dinner/weekends. so that means that my days are rather free but my weekends and nights are fully packed. when i think of the time i have left in singapore im really quite shocked. there's practically none left. i can't seem to fit anyone in anymore. i haven't even spent time with my family yet. raarr. this sucks so bad. i would really love to spend time with so many people but i really cant accomodate everyone. i cant possibly be at a concert and a dinner at the same time. i cant be watching the same world cup match with 2 groups of people at different locations at the same time. i know im not spending enough time with anyone and im really really neglecting everyone. why is it that everyone's busy at the same time on the same days?! bah.

i had an absolute blast saturday when we celebrated fang's birthday.

i'm trying to put into words how much i really feel for this group of girls. i know we don't meet up as much as we should. we don't talk as much as we should. but we're always there for each other and we really share so much in our history. we grew up together. we laughed together, cried together, made mistakes together. we had our moments of total airheadedness. we had our moments of intellectual discussions. we talk about everything under the sun. we gossip so much. we discuss ch8 or tvb drama plots. we live in our illusions of self-grandeur and think we were damn cool in sec school. ok, one of us (i shan't say who) thinks so. we act silly in front of each other. we go to kbox and act totally stupid. talk about grasshoppers and a1 and backstreet boys. we can sing boyband songs and dance to britney spears SHAMELESSLY and just basically enjoy each other. we make fun of each other but don't take offence. and we know that regardless of anything that happens in future we will always remain friends.

this is coming out incoherently and messed up and disorganised. i guess all im trying to say is that i really cherish everything we share and i really love you girls.