i already forget how i used to feel about you

There is a certain emptiness these days. A hollow in my soul that I can't pinpoint exactly. There's a dull ache in the recess of my being which refuses to be comforted. There is confusion stemming from questions I dare not confront. Feelings I have no courage to face up to; they are like mirrors which could never tell lies not even lies of pity. They reflect my rejection and my ugliness. It's a mire of demonic forces that spirals naturally into my whirlwind of emotions.

missy higgins.

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

one thing about being single is that i have to be strong for myself again. no matter what comes my way i have to deal with it now.

i came back from court today feeling pretty damn low and discouraged. but i didn't really have anyone to go to to talk. well, not that there aren't people who are showing me attention, but none who i feel safe with to confide in. somehow it just feels like they won't really understand. and maybe i don't really want them to understand?

anyway, i really wanted to cry when i got back but as soon as i sat down i told myself that i could no longer afford to be weak and vulnerable anymore because it is pointless. what will being weak do? what can crying do? will feeling sorry for myself help the situation? i do not have anyone to lean on, that is a fact. so stop it. live with it and suck it up.

there is no one to talk to and to complain and to be real to. from now on i have to steel up and fight for myself. no one is going to show mercy nor sympathy and i shouldnt expect them to. people have their own lives which continue whether or not you are in it.

come on eunice.

suck.it.up.