i already forget how i used to feel about you
Saturday, November 26, 2005
when do you come to the point where enough is enough?
what is worse? being half-broken and too scared to try, living your life thinking what could have been or getting so broken after trying and finally admitting it was hopeless from the start?
:: and ill give up forever to touch you ::
what is worse? being half-broken and too scared to try, living your life thinking what could have been or getting so broken after trying and finally admitting it was hopeless from the start?
:: and ill give up forever to touch you ::
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Chapter 8
I soon learned to know this flower better. On the little prince's planet the flowers had always been very simple. They had only one ring of petals; they took up no room at all; they were a trouble to nobody. One morning they would appear in the grass, and by night they would have faded peacefully away. But one day, from a seed blown from no one knew where, a new flower had come up; and the little prince had watched very closely over this small sprout which was not like any other small sprouts on his planet.
It might, you see, have been a new kind of baobab. The shrub soon stopped growing, and began to get ready to produce a flower. The little prince, who was present at the first appearance of a huge bud, felt at once that some sort of miraculous apparition must emerge from it. But the flower was not satisfied to complete the preparations for her beauty in the shelter of her green chamber. She chose her colours with the greatest care. She adjusted her petals one by one. She did not wish to go out into the world all rumpled, like the field poppies. It was only in the full radiance of her beauty that she wished to appear. Oh, yes! She was a coquettish creature! And her mysterious adornment lasted for days and days. Then one morning, exactly at sunrise, she suddenly showed herself. And, after working with all this painstaking precision, she yawned and said: "Ah! I am scarcely awake. I beg that you will excuse me. My petals are still all disarranged..." But the little prince could not restrain his admiration:
"Oh! How beautiful you are!"
"Am I not?" the flower responded, sweetly. "And I was born at the same moment as the sun..."
The little prince could guess easily enough that she was not any too modest, but how moving, and exciting she was!
"I think it is time for breakfast," she added an instant later. "If you would have the kindness to think of my needs" And the little prince, completely abashed, went to look for a sprinkling can of fresh water.
So, he tended the flower. So, too, she began very quickly to torment him with her vanity, which was, if the truth be known, a little difficult to deal with.
One day, for instance, when she was speaking of her four thorns, she said to the little prince: "Let the tigers come with their claws!"
"There are no tigers on my planet," the little prince objected. "And, anyway, tigers do not eat weeds."
"I am not a weed," the flower replied, sweetly. "Please excuse me..." "I am not at all afraid of tigers," she went on, "but I have a horror of drafts. I suppose you wouldn't have a screen for me?"
"A horror of drafts, that is bad luck, for a plant," remarked the little prince, and added to himself, "This flower is a very complex creature..."
"At night I want you to put me under a glass globe. It is very cold where you live. In the place I came from..." But she interrupted herself at that point. She had come in the form of a seed. She could not have known anything of any other worlds.
Embarassed over having let herself be caught on the verge of such an untruth, she coughed two or three times, in order to put the little prince in the wrong.
"The screen?"
"I was just going to look for it when you spoke to me..."
Then she forced her cough a little more so that he should suffer from remorse just the same. So the little prince, in spite of all the good will that was inseparable from his love, had soon come to doubt her. He had taken seriously words which were without importance, and it made him very unhappy.
"I ought not to have listened to her," he confided to me one day.
"One never ought to listen to the flowers. One should simply look at them and breathe their fragrance. Mine perfumed all my planet. But I did not know how to take pleasure in all her grace. This tale of claws, which disturbed me so much, should only have filled my heart with tenderness and pity."
And he continued his confidences: "The fact is that I did not know how to understand anything! I ought to have judged by deeds and not by words. She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me. I ought never to have run away from her... I ought to have guessed all the affection that lay behind her poor little strategems. Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her..."
Chapter 9
I believe that for his escape he took advantage of the migration of a flock of wild birds. On the morning of his departure he put his planet in perfect order. He carefully cleaned out his active volcanoes. He possessed two active volcanoes; and they were very convenient for heating his breakfast in the morning. He also had one volcano that was extinct. But, as he said, "One never knows!" So he cleaned out the extinct volcano, too. If they are well cleaned out, volcanoes burn slowly and steadily, without any eruptions. Volcanic eruptions are like fires in a chimney.
On our earth we are obviously much too small to clean out our volcanoes. That is why they bring no end of trouble upon us. The little prince also pulled up, with a certain sense of dejection, the last little shoots of the baobabs. He believed that he would never want to return. But on this last morning all these familiar tasks seemed very precious to him. And when he watered the flower for the last time, and prepared to place her under the shelter of her glass globe, he realised that he was very close to tears. "Goodbye," he said to the flower. But she made no answer.
"Goodbye," he said again. The flower coughed. But it was not because she had a cold.
"I have been silly," she said to him, at last. "I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy..." He was
surprised by this absence of reproaches. He stood there all bewildered, the glass globe held arrested in mid-air. He did not understand this quiet sweetness.
"Of course I love you," the flower said to him. "It is my fault that you have not known it all the while. That is of no importance. But you, you have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy... let the glass globe be. I don't want it any more."
"But the wind..." "My cold is not so bad as all that... the cool night air will do me good. I am a flower."
"But the animals..." "Well, I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. It seems that they are very beautiful. And if not the butterflies and the caterpillars who will call upon me? You will be far away... as for the large animals, I am not at all afraid of any of them. I have my claws."
And, naively, she showed her four thorns.
Then she added: "Don't linger like this. You have decided to go away. Now go!"
For she did not want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower...
I soon learned to know this flower better. On the little prince's planet the flowers had always been very simple. They had only one ring of petals; they took up no room at all; they were a trouble to nobody. One morning they would appear in the grass, and by night they would have faded peacefully away. But one day, from a seed blown from no one knew where, a new flower had come up; and the little prince had watched very closely over this small sprout which was not like any other small sprouts on his planet.
It might, you see, have been a new kind of baobab. The shrub soon stopped growing, and began to get ready to produce a flower. The little prince, who was present at the first appearance of a huge bud, felt at once that some sort of miraculous apparition must emerge from it. But the flower was not satisfied to complete the preparations for her beauty in the shelter of her green chamber. She chose her colours with the greatest care. She adjusted her petals one by one. She did not wish to go out into the world all rumpled, like the field poppies. It was only in the full radiance of her beauty that she wished to appear. Oh, yes! She was a coquettish creature! And her mysterious adornment lasted for days and days. Then one morning, exactly at sunrise, she suddenly showed herself. And, after working with all this painstaking precision, she yawned and said: "Ah! I am scarcely awake. I beg that you will excuse me. My petals are still all disarranged..." But the little prince could not restrain his admiration:
"Oh! How beautiful you are!"
"Am I not?" the flower responded, sweetly. "And I was born at the same moment as the sun..."
The little prince could guess easily enough that she was not any too modest, but how moving, and exciting she was!
"I think it is time for breakfast," she added an instant later. "If you would have the kindness to think of my needs" And the little prince, completely abashed, went to look for a sprinkling can of fresh water.
So, he tended the flower. So, too, she began very quickly to torment him with her vanity, which was, if the truth be known, a little difficult to deal with.
One day, for instance, when she was speaking of her four thorns, she said to the little prince: "Let the tigers come with their claws!"
"There are no tigers on my planet," the little prince objected. "And, anyway, tigers do not eat weeds."
"I am not a weed," the flower replied, sweetly. "Please excuse me..." "I am not at all afraid of tigers," she went on, "but I have a horror of drafts. I suppose you wouldn't have a screen for me?"
"A horror of drafts, that is bad luck, for a plant," remarked the little prince, and added to himself, "This flower is a very complex creature..."
"At night I want you to put me under a glass globe. It is very cold where you live. In the place I came from..." But she interrupted herself at that point. She had come in the form of a seed. She could not have known anything of any other worlds.
Embarassed over having let herself be caught on the verge of such an untruth, she coughed two or three times, in order to put the little prince in the wrong.
"The screen?"
"I was just going to look for it when you spoke to me..."
Then she forced her cough a little more so that he should suffer from remorse just the same. So the little prince, in spite of all the good will that was inseparable from his love, had soon come to doubt her. He had taken seriously words which were without importance, and it made him very unhappy.
"I ought not to have listened to her," he confided to me one day.
"One never ought to listen to the flowers. One should simply look at them and breathe their fragrance. Mine perfumed all my planet. But I did not know how to take pleasure in all her grace. This tale of claws, which disturbed me so much, should only have filled my heart with tenderness and pity."
And he continued his confidences: "The fact is that I did not know how to understand anything! I ought to have judged by deeds and not by words. She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me. I ought never to have run away from her... I ought to have guessed all the affection that lay behind her poor little strategems. Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her..."
Chapter 9
I believe that for his escape he took advantage of the migration of a flock of wild birds. On the morning of his departure he put his planet in perfect order. He carefully cleaned out his active volcanoes. He possessed two active volcanoes; and they were very convenient for heating his breakfast in the morning. He also had one volcano that was extinct. But, as he said, "One never knows!" So he cleaned out the extinct volcano, too. If they are well cleaned out, volcanoes burn slowly and steadily, without any eruptions. Volcanic eruptions are like fires in a chimney.
On our earth we are obviously much too small to clean out our volcanoes. That is why they bring no end of trouble upon us. The little prince also pulled up, with a certain sense of dejection, the last little shoots of the baobabs. He believed that he would never want to return. But on this last morning all these familiar tasks seemed very precious to him. And when he watered the flower for the last time, and prepared to place her under the shelter of her glass globe, he realised that he was very close to tears. "Goodbye," he said to the flower. But she made no answer.
"Goodbye," he said again. The flower coughed. But it was not because she had a cold.
"I have been silly," she said to him, at last. "I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy..." He was
surprised by this absence of reproaches. He stood there all bewildered, the glass globe held arrested in mid-air. He did not understand this quiet sweetness.
"Of course I love you," the flower said to him. "It is my fault that you have not known it all the while. That is of no importance. But you, you have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy... let the glass globe be. I don't want it any more."
"But the wind..." "My cold is not so bad as all that... the cool night air will do me good. I am a flower."
"But the animals..." "Well, I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. It seems that they are very beautiful. And if not the butterflies and the caterpillars who will call upon me? You will be far away... as for the large animals, I am not at all afraid of any of them. I have my claws."
And, naively, she showed her four thorns.
Then she added: "Don't linger like this. You have decided to go away. Now go!"
For she did not want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower...
Look Away - Chicago
Well, you called me up this morning
Told me 'bout the new love that you found
Said, "I'm happy for you. I'm really happy for you."
Found someone else, I guess I won't be coming 'round
I guess it's over, baby
It's really over, baby,
And from what you're saying
I know you've gotten over me
It'll never be the way it used to be
So if it's gotta be this way
Don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay
But if you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the street some day, and I don't know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me, I don't want you to see me this way.
When we both agreed as lovers
We were better off as friends
That's how it had to be
Yeah, that's how it had to be
I tell you I'm fine, but sometimes I just pretend
Wish you were holding me, wish you were still holding me,
I just never thought
That I would be replaced so soon
I wasn't prepared to hear those words from you
I know I wanted to be free
Yeah, baby this is how we wanted it to be
But if you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
And if we meet on the street some day, and I don't know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me, I don't want you to see me this way.
Well, you called me up this morning
Told me 'bout the new love that you found
I said, "I'm happy for you. I'm really happy for you."
Well, you called me up this morning
Told me 'bout the new love that you found
Said, "I'm happy for you. I'm really happy for you."
Found someone else, I guess I won't be coming 'round
I guess it's over, baby
It's really over, baby,
And from what you're saying
I know you've gotten over me
It'll never be the way it used to be
So if it's gotta be this way
Don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay
But if you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the street some day, and I don't know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me, I don't want you to see me this way.
When we both agreed as lovers
We were better off as friends
That's how it had to be
Yeah, that's how it had to be
I tell you I'm fine, but sometimes I just pretend
Wish you were holding me, wish you were still holding me,
I just never thought
That I would be replaced so soon
I wasn't prepared to hear those words from you
I know I wanted to be free
Yeah, baby this is how we wanted it to be
But if you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
And if we meet on the street some day, and I don't know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me, I don't want you to see me this way.
Well, you called me up this morning
Told me 'bout the new love that you found
I said, "I'm happy for you. I'm really happy for you."
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak -
but I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong
it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cos there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cos there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cos there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak -
but I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong
it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cos there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cos there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cos there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
Saturday, November 05, 2005
ladies and gentleman, i present to you pav, the incredible advocate. trial advo has never been so fun. his sarcasm is overwhelming you won't believe it. as my tutor says, most entertaining trial by far. with the combined hysteria and sardonic humour between us, we have enough drama to win us more golden globes than desperate housewives.
top5 pav moments
1. during my cross-examination of his witness (chong) he suddenly says "objection, counsel is leading the witness"(err..yea..that's my job darling...)
2. "Mr. Chong, is it true that you had $50 000 in your office?" "objection your honour!" (hello, its a non-issue pav..)
3. "chong's statement is incredible? bawa's statement is -rolls eyes- in my humble and small opinion ur honour *sigh* -puts hand on heart- the incredible one -raised eyebrow-" (wth.)
4. "the prosecution keeps saying that my poor Chong is blind. i wonder what the prosecution has against short-sighted people" (HUH?!)
5. this is the best. the classic. check this out. during my closing statement, i say"your honour, a 5yr old child knows that-" i am rudely interrupted with a "objection your honour, how can the defence know what a 5yr old know?" (FAINTS)
the entire trial was peppered with incidents of the tutor and i staring at each other, dumbfounded because we don't know how to react to pav's incessant objections. well at least he didn't pull the "objection your honour, i'm bored" stance.
hats off to the advocate who downs e33 before a trial. by the way, sexy goatee you have there. *)
top5 pav moments
1. during my cross-examination of his witness (chong) he suddenly says "objection, counsel is leading the witness"(err..yea..that's my job darling...)
2. "Mr. Chong, is it true that you had $50 000 in your office?" "objection your honour!" (hello, its a non-issue pav..)
3. "chong's statement is incredible? bawa's statement is -rolls eyes- in my humble and small opinion ur honour *sigh* -puts hand on heart- the incredible one -raised eyebrow-" (wth.)
4. "the prosecution keeps saying that my poor Chong is blind. i wonder what the prosecution has against short-sighted people" (HUH?!)
5. this is the best. the classic. check this out. during my closing statement, i say"your honour, a 5yr old child knows that-" i am rudely interrupted with a "objection your honour, how can the defence know what a 5yr old know?" (FAINTS)
the entire trial was peppered with incidents of the tutor and i staring at each other, dumbfounded because we don't know how to react to pav's incessant objections. well at least he didn't pull the "objection your honour, i'm bored" stance.
hats off to the advocate who downs e33 before a trial. by the way, sexy goatee you have there. *)
+ how could i carry on, the day you went away +
In an unexpected change of events, my grandfather left us, just like that. No one expected it at all. He wasn't ill, he wasn't particularly old. Sure, he had high blood pressure and cholestrol just like everyone else in the family, but we didn't expect him to go just like that. A silly quarrel with a neighbour that led to a heart attack. Collapsing in the void deck without family beside him. Dying alone without family with him. We never even got to say our last words. I can't remember the last words I said to him. They were probably just "Bye Gonggong." I never expected that goodbye to really be bye for good.
My grandfather was the sweetest old man alive. He was just about my height, really round and jolly. He had a childlike aura about him, finding pleasure in the simplest of things, such as buying breakfast for us. He would watch silly vampire shows on ch8, and laugh at cartoons. He couldn't pronounce our names, and called my sister Priscilla the President. Or my cousin Grace, Grape.
He would smoke 2 big packs of Camel a day. Not really smoking it, but just leaving it to burn at the corner of his mouth. He would play chess with himself because he can't find a player better than him. He made the best mee sua in the world. He paid my brother and me a dollar each when we were little to step on his back. He would send us to school whenever we stayed over, reaching school at 6am because he wanted to start driving his taxi early. He would take aimless trips on the buses around Singapore because bus fares for senior citizens were so cheap. He would buy 50 (yes 50) mini tubes of toothpaste because they were cute and cheap. And then ask the cashier for 50 plastic bags. :)
He never ever scolded us. He always laughed, and his eyes always crinkled up in that familiar curves. Yet as he lay there, his body felt so cold and that delightful smile absent from the grey contours of his face. He's never going to wake up, he's never going to smile that smile i have grown to love so much again.
I don't know how my grandmother deals with it. His death was so sudden. Nobody ever thought that he was going to go. Even when the ambulance came we thought he had just fainted. We didn't even rush to the hospital. My grandmother stayed home, thinking it was nothing really serious. Imagine her regret. If only she had stopped him from going down. If only she didn't dismiss his anger as immature. If only she had known it was the last time she would ever ever ever hear his voice or see his rotund silhouette disappear down the corridor as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. He was my grandmother's first love, they were neighbours and grew up together. They never dated, but he just asked my great-grandmother for permission to marry her daughter. My grandmother is tall and svelte, it always looks queer to see them together. But they were happy and truly in love.
Imagine losing the person you were supposed to spend your life with. Who would be there to share your life with after that? Imagine being lonely till you die. Imagine life having found the one you love and having to live without him. Having spent 50years together and having to say goodbye. Never ever being able to see him again. She never got the chance to say goodbye. She never knew that it would be the last time she would see him.
Yet she only cried when she first reached the hospital; when she saw the body for the first time; when they closed the coffin. She told him lovingly to rest in peace, that he was enjoying life at last. She touched his grey hair and felt his cold cheek. She smiled. Yet when she walked out of the tent, her 3 sons had to hold her down as she just collapsed into tears.
what would i do if i could reverse time? would i have talked to him more? made him feel more loved? told him about God? played chess with him more? took time to realise that he is growing old and that time was running out? sooner or later he would have to go. i just didnt realise it would be so soon. There was no warning, nothing. And now all I have of him are memories and regrets that I will keep forever in my heart.
+ of all the words in the English language, the saddest of all are 'if only i had' +
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