i already forget how i used to feel about you

i want to love life. i want to see it as a gift and not a burden. i want to see a reason for my existence. is life a passion or a series of obligation for you?

sometimes i feel like im not good enough. not good enough for anything or anyone. not good enough for me. sometimes i feel like everything i do lets someone down. sometimes i feel that people don't understand. sometimes i feel that its better to be dead than alive. sometimes i feel that the world is not my world and i belong somewhere else. sometimes i feel that even death is not enough that just disappearing and disintegrating into complete non-existence might be the cure. nothingness is an attractive concept. no happiness no unhappiness. state of neutrality.

sometimes i look at life and im afraid. it's one big circle that you can't break out of. you keep travelling around in the same vicious cycle and you're imprisoned by the same events over and over again. i don't want to go back. i don't want to look back. but so many times i feel a force compelling me to return to what i try so hard to avoid. close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by. but will it really?