I have no one to talk to. I don't dare to talk to anyone and the only one I dare spill my heart out to won't tolerate my nonsense.
Who knows that every single day is difficult for me or that I still cry everyday? Everyday on the way home from work I cry for an entire hour on the train and on the bus like a pathetic loser. I don't care what people think or say. I cry all the way till I reach my gate and then I wipe my tears and smile again. The same formula everyday, the same song like a broken record.
I can't help myself from being ungrateful or unappreciative. I really don't know how to see the good anymore. God's sovereignty towers over me mercilessly like a cold unfeeling wagging finger.
How do you love me God? Please remind me. I don't know how much I have left in me.
I know I really don't understand because your ways are higher than mine and because I'm so finite whereas you are infinite. But it is precisely because I really don't understand that it hurts so badly. It's because I'm so horribly weak that I just can't take it. I admit it, I am stupid and I am weak. If I could see your wisdom and if I were stronger I wouldn't be suffering the way I am now.
There is a certain emptiness these days. A hollow in my soul that I can't pinpoint exactly. There's a dull ache in the recess of my being which refuses to be comforted. There is confusion stemming from questions I dare not confront. Feelings I have no courage to face up to; they are like mirrors which could never tell lies not even lies of pity. They reflect my rejection and my ugliness. It's a mire of demonic forces that spirals naturally into my whirlwind of emotions.
That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you
one thing about being single is that i have to be strong for myself again. no matter what comes my way i have to deal with it now.
i came back from court today feeling pretty damn low and discouraged. but i didn't really have anyone to go to to talk. well, not that there aren't people who are showing me attention, but none who i feel safe with to confide in. somehow it just feels like they won't really understand. and maybe i don't really want them to understand?
anyway, i really wanted to cry when i got back but as soon as i sat down i told myself that i could no longer afford to be weak and vulnerable anymore because it is pointless. what will being weak do? what can crying do? will feeling sorry for myself help the situation? i do not have anyone to lean on, that is a fact. so stop it. live with it and suck it up.
there is no one to talk to and to complain and to be real to. from now on i have to steel up and fight for myself. no one is going to show mercy nor sympathy and i shouldnt expect them to. people have their own lives which continue whether or not you are in it.
Oh won't you show what you're feeling, is it too much to ask that your heart be revealing? Just a little bit, oh, just a little bit, just a little.
I don't think I've ever informed you, I love you desperately, even though I only know you, just a little bit, oh, just a little bit, just a little
Oh, how'd we get so disconnected? My heart is shutting down, I just can't let it.
So I'll run forward and pray you fall back, grace will come and clear your path. Yeah, I'll run forward and you fall back. Come back.
Oh, you treat your time like you own it, it's slipping fast away and you're not getting younger, not even a bit, no, not even a bit, no, not at all
This love is a battle we're fighting, you've laid your armor down, oh, and now I can't find it. Not even a bit, no, not even a bit, no, not at all
Oh, you took your love for granted. But oh, it never left you for a second.
So I'll run forward and pray you fall back, grace will come and clear your path. Yeah, I'll run forward and you fall back. Oh, I'll run forward and you fall back
You make me afraid. Thank you, I've got to thank you. Cause now I know His strength. Thank you, I've gotta thank you. So please don't run away, oh don't run, don't run.
So I'll run forward and pray you run back, grace will come and clear my path. Yeah, I'll run forward if you run back. Yeah, I'll run forward if you run back. Oh, I'll run forward if you fall back.
Come back, I pray you'll come back. My love, come back; and grace will come to clear your path.
Oh, I'll run forward if you fall back. Come back, my love, come back.
Can we skip the small talk? Just skip it? You know, like, who are you? Who am I? What are we doing here together? I have this theory that when you first meet somebody, that's the time when you have to be totally honest because you have nothing to lose. Five years down the road, gets a lot harder. You can't say one day, ''Happy anniversary, this is me,'' It doesn't work that way, This is it, we'll never see each other as clearly and as nakedly as we do in this moment, Right now, This instant, I'm really scaring you right now, aren't I?
Just a little bit, Yeah, but, you know, on the one hand, you're very charming and interesting and you have a lot of energy, you know, on the other hand, a little bit scary
Okay, here's my story, here's what you need to know, Okay, I'm just divorced, and I had my heart broken badly, by a woman that I really loved, you know, but I think your heart grows back bigger, you know? Once you've got the shit beat out of you, and the universe lets your heart expand that way, I think that's the function of all this pain and heartache that we all go through. You gotta go through that to come out to a better place, And that's how I see it. What about you? Why is a dazzling woman like you single? You can do it, you can just tell the truth, if you know the truth, What have we got to lose? After the dinner we shake hands, ''good night,'' never see each other again
All right, he stopped loving me, I don't know what I did or what I didn't do, he just stopped, I don't think I've ever said that out loud before,
See, we just had an honest moment, now we can sit back and enjoy our food, and get to know each other, I'm Jake.
Your sorry eyes linger over me They burn through me I have nowhere to hide Leave me an outlet; I would rather hide; Than smoulder under your contrite gaze.
You owe me nothing; No apologies, no need to feel bad. My tears are my own, so darling Won’t you let it be.
You’ve paid your debt, You’ve paid me in memories.
Your sympathy bores me. It bores through me.
Wash me over with truth till I am naked, shivering, shaking in truth.
Your fingertips across my skin The palm trees swaying in the wind Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies The sweetest sadness in your eyes Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you Should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street You took my hand and danced with me Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips You told me you would never, never forget These images No
I cannot go to the ocean I cannot drive the streets at night I cannot wake up in the morning Without you on my mind So you're gone and I'm haunted And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that Easy to walk right in and out Of my life?
And so I'll run but not too far, in case you chase me, oh
But this is how it goes, baby. I'll get angry at your words and I'll go home And you won't call after me 'cos I'll be back before you know, you know
this is the way we are. maybe thats just the way things are meant to be. so maybe a relationship doesnt have to be perfect and maybe people just need to go through cycles of being together and breaking up and making up again if thats the only way to be together. cycles of the same mistake over and over again because to give up on that cycle would be a bigger mistake.
it has been eons since i last blogged about something that was close to my heart. i havent seemed to get in touch with that inner me that likes to discuss issues and develop insights. i think i have descended to being a brainless girl with no mind of her own who just shops and eats all day long. it makes me scared to realise that. it's like suddenly, i despise myself. how did i let myself get here? with no views, no opinion, nothing.
see, my secondary sch history teacher used to say that you need to think to be clever. and i do agree. if you let your mind stagnate, if you allow yourself to just be, without challenging yourselves to ponder about the world around you, you will be a very boring person. sure, you may have fun, but there is no enrichment. there is nothing deeper than what meets the eye. so yes, an interesting person (to me at least) is someone who holds views about current affairs, who can actually hold a conversation about religion, politics, love, justice etc etc. Ive always envied those who could be so intelligent. there's a distinction to be made between people who absorb and people who formulate. the latter is a more aggressive projection of one's mental prowess. it demands independent thought and a thorough understanding of that absorbed. so you see, opinionated people are clever people. (provided, of course, that your opinions are not complete rubbish)
its difficult to have an opinion. how many of us have reacted to news, current affairs, stories with a nonchalant shrug of the shoulders. it doesn't affect us, so let's move on. the thing is, we are so apathetic and cocooned in our little world, we have made a fool out of ourselves. its almost like we live in our own shrine. yes, shrine. we worship ourselves. we dont care enough about anything other than us. therefore, we dont feel enough to have an opinion.
its difficult to have an opinion. its even more difficult to have an opinion about many things. we would have to have an interest in many things in order to bother thinking and pondering over those things. for example, i could not possibly have an opinion on the history of basketball. i dont think i even know the rules of that game. how intelligent they must be, those people who have an opinion about many things. it must mean that they are interested and passionate about many things in life. their minds are always on the prowl for something exciting, and they cling onto thoughts and expand upon those thoughts instead of just letting them slide. its almost like exercising your mind and training it. you need to work at the different "muscle groups" and not be lazy about it. so yes, people who think deeply about a variety of issues are really fascinating individuals.
how cool would it be to be able to discuss at length any topic in the world and to have insights to all of them. and sadly, i will never be like that. im just not that smart. it just makes me scared that i have now stopped thinking altogether. i am now, stupid and on my way to alzheimers. great.
the things you get from rajah and tann coffee break. no wonder i cant focus at work!
'Disorder in the American Courts' These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and they are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh... I was gett'in laid! ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
In a little while from now, If I'm not feeling any less sour I promised myself to treat myself And visit a nearby tower, And climbing to the top, Will throw myself off In an effort to make it clear to who Ever what it's like when your shattered Left standing in the lurch, at a church Where people 're saying, "My God that's tough, she stood him up! No point in us remaining. May as well go home." As I did on my own, Alone again, naturally
To think that only yesterday, I was cheerful, bright and gay, Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do, The role I was about to play But as if to knock me down, Reality came around And without so much as a mere touch, Cut me into little pieces Leaving me to doubt, All about God and His mercy For if He really does exist Why did He desert me In my hour of need? I truly am indeed, Alone again, naturally
It seems to me that There are more hearts Broken in the world That can't be mended Left unattended What do we do? What do we do
Now looking back over the years, And what ever else that appears I remember I cried when my father died Never wishing to have cried the tears And at sixty-five years old, My mother, God rest her soul, Couldn't understand, why the only man She had ever loved had been taken Leaving her to start with a heart So badly broken Despite encouragement from me No words were ever spoken And when she passed away I cried and cried all day Alone again, naturally
The heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close, As the sunflower turns on her god when he sets, The same look that she turned when he rose
There was once a water-nymph called Clytie who fell in love with the God of the Sun Apollo. She was so much in love that she would sit on the ground and stare up at the sun all day long. But Apollo never noticed her.
She sat all day long, upon the cold ground, following the path of the sun all day long. For nine days eating no food and taking nothing to drink, pining away.
Her limbs rooted into the ground and became the sunflower's stem, whilst her face became the flower and her golden hair the petals. The sunflower continued to follow the course of the sun throughout the day, in love with the sun just as Clytie was with Apollo
who would have known? behind the arrogance of the sunflower, its towering majesty, hides a romantic tale of unrequitted and persistent love.
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives Where we're gonna be when we turn 25 I keep thinking times will never change Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back No more hanging out cause we're on a different track And if you got something that you need to say You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down These memories are playing like a film without sound And I keep thinking of that night in June I didn't know much of love But it came too soon
And there was me and you And then we got real blue Stay at home talking on the telephone We would get so excited and we'd get so scared Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels
As we go on We remember All the times we Had together
And as our lives change Come Whatever We will still be Friends Forever
So if we get the big jobs And we make the big money When we look back now Will our jokes still be funny? Will we still remember everything we learned in school? Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man? Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan? I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now? Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round? Will these memories fade when I leave this town I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
I think 2000/2001 will always be the best years of my life.
Funny how this song means even more to me now than 7 years ago. Now, when we're really going to start our lives, this song means so much, says so much.
Working life seemed like a future that would never come, an idea that never materialised. And now that it's at my doorstep, I can't believe it has come so quickly. Will the years just whiz pass as they have? Soon, very soon, this life will be over.
I'm strangely filled with poignancy.
If the world should stop revolving Spinning slowly, damned to die I'd spend the end with you And when the world was through
Then one by one The stars will all go out Then you and I Would simply fly away
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe. Lie to me, just please don't leave.
I am not happy these days because the people around me are not happy. So many of them with dashed hopes and failed expectations. So many of them living in lies to cope with the lies of other people, choosing to believe in excuses they have created rather than the plain reality. They choose to be deluded because it is less painful than admitting the truth.
When do promises cease to hold effect? Do our promises mean nothing the moment relationships come to an end? Or do promises come with qualifying clauses? If I promised to love you forever, if I promise that you will be the love of my life, am I lying when I love someone else later on after the relationship we have now dies? Can you love me if I had promised to love someone else forever? Could you love a liar like me?
People don't want to let go even when it is over because once they do, it really is over, the end of the perfect love. Perfect love is persistent, it does not waver even if turned away. It is unconditional. Doesn't that mean that perfect love remains even when unrequitted?
I'm weird. I want to believe in a perfect love. I admire those who continue loving even when the relationship is gone. They are foolish and stupid but their honesty and loyalty to the one they love is impressive. I know I'm not that noble and I wouldn't ever tell my friends to persevere when the other person has already moved on. Yet when they do persevere, I'm always filled with both disgust and jealousy. Disgust because it is so stupid. Jealousy because they have such pure love that I could never muster.
I love missy higgins. love love love love love. I dont love her singing I love her songs. Such honest lyrics that transport you to a place of unadulterated innocence. So raw it hurts, so true you want to flinch. I love how it brings me back to me, cutting through the many layers of distractions that sometimes takes away from who you really are, straight to what is really definitive, a place of truth within one's self, where it is just you and you alone.
What perfect phrasing, what spectacular depth, that makes me go back for more. It's really literature, because there is so much to take away from it, the many layers if only one could appreciate it. I could get lost in her songs.
It's not a song, its poetry. It's not poetry, it's therapy.
i dont even want to evaluate the year. im tired just looking back on the year. it's a closed chapter, which i dont intend to revisit. i need to look forward. i guess im tired.
do we deliberately cling onto sadness because that is the only connection left to something we lost? we say we want to find happiness but subconsciously indulge in lachrymosity because we refuse to forget what is gone. we choose to remember, to feel. we say we have let go, but we still look back once in a while and sigh. is true letting go walking away and never ever looking back?
happiness is a choice, our feelings are under our control. it all depends on whether we want to let go. you can let go, if you only choose to do so. you are stronger than you think.
I smile just a little Memories like little hooks, I cry just a little For just one last look.
Just give me; One more night Not to hope Just to cry.
i have never blogged about KSR even though it has been such an astronomical part of my life. for the past few months, it has always been law iv law iv law iv. every single week, for hours each time. this will be an impossibly long post, so beware.
when i told the cast that this will go down as one of the most magical moments in my life, they laughed at me for being the ever-dramatic and emotional eunice. but i really meant it. being part of this was one of the best things that had ever happened to me that i will always always always remember.
being actually being cast as eliza chan came as a great present. i always thought that i would end up as a "recurring guest performer" (only those involved in KSR understand the phrase) much like how we act during the cabaret scene, just smiling and as megan puts it, "act spastic". never would i have imagined that i would land the role of eliza chan, because i know who was auditioning for KSR and i knew that they were all fantastic actresses who would all do a fantastic job. even up till today, im not sure if i was the best person for the job, but one thing i know is that it was definitely the best thing that happened to me this year.
i have never played a role like eliza chan. the last time i was on stage, i was 15 going 16. we played spastic roles like jesters (remember emperor's box shen?), flames of a fire, read poetry and really, act corny and cheesy and completely stupid. we were the joke of eldds, (yes we were shen.) not in a totally bad way but in a pleasantly embarrassing way. i doubted whether i could actually act, since the only acting i had done prior to this was act stupid, completely different from the uber-serious eliza chan who is probably more emotional than enunice ng.
at the first instance, one would have thought that eunice ng is similar to eliza chan. let me dispel that myth because no i am not like eliza at all. for the longest time in june i remember telling ppl that i hate eliza. she's boring and prudish and doesnt know how to appreciate joshua. i had problems acting her because i couldnt understand what kind of person she was. (what kind of girlfriend doesnt flirt with her bf?!) she didn't flirt, wasn't bitchy, wanted to study.. now now, tell me eliza isn't boring? i guess yes, we are both opinionated but i have toned down a lot ok.. and we are both emotional but eliza chan is temperamental even by my standards! so yes, acting eliza wasn't as easy as i had thought it would be.
singing was, ok horrendous. let's not even go there. let's just say i should never attempt high notes ever again. all the ear-screeching moments and difficulties finding suitable keys to sing in. argh. i shall stick to ktv.
those closer to me will know that i regretted doing eliza for a while. not because i didnt enjoy it but because i felt that i was not good enough. i felt that i couldn't live up to the directors' expectations and i couldn't act and sing. i felt that i was pulling down the production and that maybe someone else should take over. but a part of me didnt want to give up because i knew it was something that i really wanted to be part of.
there were the many hiccups along the way. we were running so late on schedule. we didnt have our props ready. our songs weren't ready. props were destroyed along the way. lines weren't memorised. energy levels werent up to scratch. cues were wrong. too much talking backstage. back facing audience. mics didnt come in till much later. cast wasn't complete till much much later. divides among the cast. bitch fights and malicious emails. diva and lackdaisical attitudes. low morales. it seemed like such an arduous and uphill task that so many times i wondered if we were ever going to make it.
but all through the way i knew the musical had tremendous potential. from the first time i read it from my laptop back in march, i knew it was going to be fantastic. i could imagine it in my head, the lines were witty and funny. it was slapstick, intelligent, emotional, cheesy, heart-wrenching and touching all at the same time. the songs were perfect (though i butchered them); the tunes were magical and the lyrics made me cry. the cast was great! all we needed was time to nail it and it would be the most amazing law iv musical ever.
at the end of the day, KSR was a roaring success. night after night, we listened to the symphony of applause and raptures of laughter. we took in the sights of 3 nights of packed audiences. we sang we danced we acted our hearts out. looking back now is a pleasant mixture of tears and smiles. smiles because it was so sweet being part of KSR, tears because KSR has now ended its run and because ill miss it oh-so-much.
ill miss acting. i love acting. my favourite activity as a kid was play-acting. in the words of emma yong, "it's something that [makes] me get up in the morning. i enjoy being completely absorbed in a role and getting to a place of truth with a character." i like to soak in the atmosphere of a well-produced play, the pregnant pauses, deafening silence, tension-filled situations, hilarious moments, dramatic shoutings, the use of body language, everything. the ability to express oneself is the one thing that excites me most. ill miss acting so much. after all, it is my last chance to act in a production like this. not just any production but a beautiful one like KSR.
ill miss performing. it gives you a natural high that cannot be replicated. i remember elvin telling me how so many musicians are druggies because they always feel so empty. when you perform, you are on that perpetual high. it is the thrill of a live performance that gives you that adrenaline rush. not only that, the many months before that, the unimaginable hard work that goes behind every performance, it all adds up and makes it so much more sweeter when you are up on that stage. and it is true, that when the curtains close, it can get so empty and hollow inside because there is notihng to work towards anymore. and that's why so many musicians turn to drugs, to mimic that high they get on stage as an avenue of escape from real life. performers like to live in the fantasy of stage-life because it is on stage that they feel complete and fulfilled.
but most of all, ill miss KSR. Those times when we had no space to rehearse, just along the corridor up at level 4. when we didnt have money to build the set. i remember having to fight with the yr1s for use of the auditorium. we saw the set being built from scratch, saw the stage coming together. from individual scenes to the mammoth musical. i witnessed the growth of the cast members, and i think we have all improved by so much. from the times when we had to grapple with the lack of chemistry to making people go aww now.
and how can i forget the wonderful cast. i really love each and every member. from scary megan to patient leon to cheeky francis to feisty susie to blur julia to boyish zhiqian to insane jin huang to cheekokek to enigamtic evelyn to funny shawn to earnest bob. i love our producers, band, vocal coach, stage managers all down to the crew. i admire the dedication that everyone has put in to make KSR such a success. even though we had our differences and bitchy spats, at the end of the day we really are one big family. a family that i hope will stay strong even after KSR ends its run.
KSR has ended its run but doesn't mean it's gone. right kwan?
Everyone says goodbye at some point in time. I went to a cremation service yesterday. The man who died was the father of one of the kids I teach in church. This poor man had suffered for 7 years and was a scary sight just before he died, reduced to a bag of bones, too weak to even move. Although they knew for years that he was dying, the family persevered, staying close-knit all the way. His wife stood beside him all the way, taking immaculate care of him all the time he was ill. She had to look after him and her three children, she had to be strong for him all the way.
I witnessed the power of love yesterday. Even though loving this man was so torturous, it was so tiring and draining, she remained faithful to him all the way, never once complaining. This was a family on social welfare, with zero income, with three young children. Yet she found the strength to continue caring for this family. She was willing to endure all the pain of watching her beloved die, degenerate for 7 years because she loved him that much. It would have been so easy for her to just give up, because loving this man was so painful. She was young, she could easily have remarried. Yet she stuck by him through thick and thin, supporting him everyway she could. I saw how love gives us strength to carry on when we think we can't.
It was so heartwrenching. Just before he was to be cremated, she was wailing for him to come back. She cried about how she wanted to leave with him. For the first time in years, I saw the strong woman reduced to shivers and tears, mourning the loss of her husband. The children were crying uncontrollably, crying out how they wanted their father to come back. There was not a single dry eye.
It made me wonder, when we should cling on to love and when we should just give up. Loving this man was so painful, but it was even more painful for her to let him go. When are we being stubborn and when are we being faithful?
At the funeral, I saw myself in it. After so many years, I think I am finally ready to say goodbye. I mourn the loss of the greatest love I never thought I would have, but I guess over the past few months, we have realised that sometimes, enough really is enough. How many times can we say goodbye and see love die? Each break-up killed me, every single time. And then we would uncover it, resurrect it, then let it die again.
I buried my past yesterday. I buried the dreams and plans we made. It was like a part of me that died because for so long, all my plans and hopes pivoted around hopes of eternity with this one person. Yet it is time to wake up and stop praying for something that would never work, perhaps something that was doomed from the start. Sometimes, it can be so right and yet oh-so-wrong.
I'm looking life squarely and right in its face, once again, praying that I will really find the courage and strength to walk away once and for all.
So yes, goodbye.
Have you wondered how it feels when it's all over? Wondered how it feels when you just have to start anew, Never knowing, Where you're going, When you face a brand new day, It used to be that way. Now I just close my eyes and say
I just wanna breathe again, Learn to face the joy and pain, Discover how to laugh a little, Cry a little, Live a little more.
I just wanna face the day, Forget about the woes of yesterday, Maybe if I hope a little, Try a little more, I'll breathe again.
Starting out again is never easy. Disappointments come and go, But life still moves on. With a bit of luck, It's a brand new start. That might just work my way, No need to walk away, Don't wanna live on life's replay.
Things will work out fine, If you can find the courage to look past the night To see the break of dawn.
i know it's funny. but it's worrying at the same time. getting a toddler to say words like "asshole" and "bitch" for "comedy's sake". we need to check ourselves.
Changing my life with your love Has been so easy for you And I'm amazed everyday And I need you
Till all the mountains are valleys And every ocean is dry My love
I'll be yours until the sun doesn't shine Till time stands still Until the winds don't blow When today is just a memory to me I know I'll still be loving I'll still be loving you
Never before did I know How loving someone could be Now I can see You and me For a lifetime
Until the last moon is rising You'll see the love in my eyes My love
I'll be yours until the sun doesn't shine Till time stands still Until the winds don't blow When today is just a memory to me I know I'll still be loving I'll still be loving you
I'll be yours until the sun doesn't shine Till time stands still Until the winds don't blow When today is just a memory to me I know I'll still be loving I'll still be loving you
I'll still be loving you
i miss you. i want to hear you say you love me again.
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve
Your kisses are powerful stuff. They'll start a fire in almost anyone you kiss. You kiss with passion, skill, and endurance. Anyone who kisses you is in for a long, intense ride. You better watch out though. Your incredible kisses are likely to get you in trouble!
You aren't as hard to deal with as some girls But you aren't the most laid back chick either You're easy to deal with 90% of the time, but watch out for that 10%! If the guy you are with has good intentions, then calm down a little But if he's really screwing up, don't waste your breath - move on :-)
happy birthday darling! i wonder which part of the world you're at now, with your precious sebas. omg is this the first time in 8 years that we didnt celebrate your birthday? (not on purpose of course, you're overseas!)
im so jealous of you yang jingfang! you're in some exotic nation in europe on your graduation trip with your boyfriend while im stuck in singapore nursing my wisdom tooth extraction. pui. idiot. i am j.e.a.l.o.u.s.!
hurry up back or we will really forget about your birthday! come back to me your lover.. ;)
i read the little mermaid again. do people actually know that it is a tragedy?
The Little Mermaid Far out in the ocean, where the water is as blue as the prettiest cornflower, and as clear as crystal, it is very, very deep; so deep, indeed, that no cable could fathom it: many church steeples, piled one upon another, would not reach from the ground beneath to the surface of the water above. There dwell the Sea King and his subjects. We must not imagine that there is nothing at the bottom of the sea but bare yellow sand. No, indeed; the most singular flowers and plants grow there; the leaves and stems of which are so pliant, that the slightest agitation of the water causes them to stir as if they had life. Fishes, both large and small, glide between the branches, as birds fly among the trees here upon land. In the deepest spot of all, stands the castle of the Sea King. Its walls are built of coral, and the long, gothic windows are of the clearest amber. The roof is formed of shells, that open and close as the water flows over them. Their appearance is very beautiful, for in each lies a glittering pearl, which would be fit for the diadem of a queen.
The Sea King had been a widower for many years, and his aged mother kept house for him. She was a very wise woman, and exceedingly proud of her high birth; on that account she wore twelve oysters on her tail; while others, also of high rank, were only allowed to wear six. She was, however, deserving of very great praise, especially for her care of the little sea-princesses, her granddaughters. They were six beautiful children; but the youngest was the prettiest of them all; her skin was as clear and delicate as a rose-leaf, and her eyes as blue as the deepest sea; but, like all the others, she had no feet, and her body ended in a fish's tail. All day long they played in the great halls of the castle, or among the living flowers that grew out of the walls. The large amber windows were open, and the fish swam in, just as the swallows fly into our houses when we open the windows, excepting that the fishes swam up to the princesses, ate out of their hands, and allowed themselves to be stroked.
Outside the castle there was a beautiful garden, in which grew bright red and dark blue flowers, and blossoms like flames of fire; the fruit glittered like gold, and the leaves and stems waved to and fro continually. The earth itself was the finest sand, but blue as the flame of burning sulfur. Over everything lay a peculiar blue radiance, as if it were surrounded by the air from above, through which the blue sky shone, instead of the dark depths of the sea. In calm weather the sun could be seen, looking like a purple flower, with the light streaming from the calyx. Each of the young princesses had a little plot of ground in the garden, where she might dig and plant as she pleased. One arranged her flower-bed into the form of a whale; another thought it better to make hers like the figure of a little mermaid; but that of the youngest was round like the sun, and contained flowers as red as his rays at sunset.
She was a strange child, quiet and thoughtful; and while her sisters would be delighted with the wonderful things which they obtained from the wrecks of vessels, she cared for nothing but her pretty red flowers, like the sun, excepting a beautiful marble statue. It was the representation of a handsome boy, carved out of pure white stone, which had fallen to the bottom of the sea from a wreck. She planted by the statue a rose-colored weeping willow. It grew splendidly, and very soon hung its fresh branches over the statue, almost down to the blue sands. The shadow had a violet tint, and waved to and fro like the branches; it seemed as if the crown of the tree and the root were at play, and trying to kiss each other. Nothing gave her so much pleasure as to hear about the world above the sea. She made her old grandmother tell her all she knew of the ships and of the towns, the people and the animals. To her it seemed most wonderful and beautiful to hear that the flowers of the land should have fragrance, and not those below the sea; that the trees of the forest should be green; and that the fishes among the trees could sing so sweetly, that it was quite a pleasure to hear them. Her grandmother called the little birds fishes, or she would not have understood her; for she had never seen birds.
"When you have reached your fifteenth year," said the grandmother, "you will have permission to rise up out of the sea, to sit on the rocks in the moonlight, while the great ships are sailing by; and then you will see both forests and towns."
In the following year, one of the sisters would be fifteen: but as each was a year younger than the other, the youngest would have to wait five years before her turn came to rise up from the bottom of the ocean, and see the earth as we do. However, each promised to tell the others what she saw on her first visit, and what she thought the most beautiful; for their grandmother could not tell them enough; there were so many things on which they wanted information. None of them longed so much for her turn to come as the youngest, she who had the longest time to wait, and who was so quiet and thoughtful. Many nights she stood by the open window, looking up through the dark blue water, and watching the fish as they splashed about with their fins and tails. She could see the moon and stars shining faintly; but through the water they looked larger than they do to our eyes. When something like a black cloud passed between her and them, she knew that it was either a whale swimming over her head, or a ship full of human beings, who never imagined that a pretty little mermaid was standing beneath them, holding out her white hands towards the keel of their ship.
As soon as the eldest was fifteen, she was allowed to rise to the surface of the ocean. When she came back, she had hundreds of things to talk about; but the most beautiful, she said, was to lie in the moonlight, on a sandbank, in the quiet sea, near the coast, and to gaze on a large town nearby, where the lights were twinkling like hundreds of stars; to listen to the sounds of the music, the noise of carriages, and the voices of human beings, and then to hear the merry bells peal out from the church steeples; and because she could not go near to all those wonderful things, she longed for them more than ever. Oh, did not the youngest sister listen eagerly to all these descriptions? and afterwards, when she stood at the open window looking up through the dark blue water, she thought of the great city, with all its bustle and noise, and even fancied she could hear the sound of the church bells, down in the depths of the sea.
In another year the second sister received permission to rise to the surface of the water, and to swim about where she pleased. She rose just as the sun was setting, and this, she said, was the most beautiful sight of all. The whole sky looked like gold, while violet and rose-colored clouds, which she could not describe, floated over her; and, still more rapidly than the clouds, flew a large flock of wild swans towards the setting sun, looking like a long white veil across the sea. She also swam towards the sun; but it sunk into the waves, and the rosy tints faded from the clouds and from the sea.
The third sister's turn followed; she was the boldest of them all, and she swam up a broad river that emptied itself into the sea. On the banks she saw green hills covered with beautiful vines; palaces and castles peeped out from amid the proud trees of the forest; she heard the birds singing, and the rays of the sun were so powerful that she was obliged often to dive down under the water to cool her burning face. In a narrow creek she found a whole troop of little human children, quite naked, and sporting about in the water; she wanted to play with them, but they fled in a great fright; and then a little black animal came to the water; it was a dog, but she did not know that, for she had never before seen one. This animal barked at her so terribly that she became frightened, and rushed back to the open sea. But she said she should never forget the beautiful forest, the green hills, and the pretty little children who could swim in the water, although they had not fish's tails.
The fourth sister was more timid; she remained in the midst of the sea, but she said it was quite as beautiful there as nearer the land. She could see for so many miles around her, and the sky above looked like a bell of glass. She had seen the ships, but at such a great distance that they looked like sea gulls. The dolphins sported in the waves, and the great whales spouted water from their nostrils till it seemed as if a hundred fountains were playing in every direction.
The fifth sister's birthday occurred in the winter; so when her turn came, she saw what the others had not seen the first time they went up. The sea looked quite green, and large icebergs were floating about, each like a pearl, she said, but larger and loftier than the churches built by men. They were of the most singular shapes, and glittered like diamonds. She had seated herself upon one of the largest, and let the wind play with her long hair, and she remarked that all the ships sailed by rapidly, and steered as far away as they could from the iceberg, as if they were afraid of it. Towards evening, as the sun went down, dark clouds covered the sky, the thunder rolled and the lightning flashed, and the red light glowed on the icebergs as they rocked and tossed on the heaving sea. On all the ships the sails were reefed with fear and trembling, while she sat calmly on the floating iceberg, watching the blue lightning, as it darted its forked flashes into the sea.
When first the sisters had permission to rise to the surface, they were each delighted with the new and beautiful sights they saw; but now, as grown-up girls, they could go when they pleased, and they had become indifferent about it. They wished themselves back again in the water, and after a month had passed they said it was much more beautiful down below, and pleasanter to be at home. Yet often, in the evening hours, the five sisters would twine their arms round each other, and rise to the surface, in a row. They had more beautiful voices than any human being could have; and before the approach of a storm, and when they expected a ship would be lost, they swam before the vessel, and sang sweetly of the delights to be found in the depths of the sea, and begging the sailors not to fear if they sank to the bottom. But the sailors could not understand the song, they took it for the howling of the storm. And these things were never to be beautiful for them; for if the ship sank, the men were drowned, and their dead bodies alone reached the palace of the Sea King.
When the sisters rose, arm-in-arm, through the water in this way, their youngest sister would stand quite alone, looking after them, ready to cry, only that the mermaids have no tears, and therefore they suffer more. "Oh, were I but fifteen years old," said she: "I know that I shall love the world up there, and all the people who live in it."
At last she reached her fifteenth year. "Well, now, you are grown up," said the old dowager, her grandmother; "so you must let me adorn you like your other sisters;" and she placed a wreath of white lilies in her hair, and every flower leaf was half a pearl. Then the old lady ordered eight great oysters to attach themselves to the tail of the princess to show her high rank.
"But they hurt me so," said the little mermaid.
"Pride must suffer pain," replied the old lady. Oh, how gladly she would have shaken off all this grandeur, and laid aside the heavy wreath! The red flowers in her own garden would have suited her much better, but she could not help herself: so she said, "Farewell," and rose as lightly as a bubble to the surface of the water. The sun had just set as she raised her head above the waves; but the clouds were tinted with crimson and gold, and through the glimmering twilight beamed the evening star in all its beauty. The sea was calm, and the air mild and fresh. A large ship, with three masts, lay becalmed on the water, with only one sail set; for not a breeze stiffed, and the sailors sat idle on deck or amongst the rigging. There was music and song on board; and, as darkness came on, a hundred colored lanterns were lighted, as if the flags of all nations waved in the air. The little mermaid swam close to the cabin windows; and now and then, as the waves lifted her up, she could look in through clear glass windowpanes, and see a number of well-dressed people within. Among them was a young prince, the most beautiful of all, with large black eyes; he was sixteen years of age, and his birthday was being kept with much rejoicing.
The sailors were dancing on deck, but when the prince came out of the cabin, more than a hundred rockets rose in the air, making it as bright as day. The little mermaid was so startled that she dived under water; and when she again stretched out her head, it appeared as if all the stars of heaven were falling around her, she had never seen such fireworks before. Great suns spurted fire about, splendid fireflies flew into the blue air, and everything was reflected in the clear, calm sea beneath. The ship itself was so brightly illuminated that all the people, and even the smallest rope, could be distinctly and plainly seen. And how handsome the young prince looked, as he pressed the hands of all present and smiled at them, while the music resounded through the clear night air.
It was very late; yet the little mermaid could not take her eyes from the ship, or from the beautiful prince. The colored lanterns had been extinguished, no more rockets rose in the air, and the cannon had ceased firing; but the sea became restless, and a moaning, grumbling sound could be heard beneath the waves: still the little mermaid remained by the cabin window, rocking up and down on the water, which enabled her to look in. After a while, the sails were quickly unfurled, and the noble ship continued her passage; but soon the waves rose higher, heavy clouds darkened the sky, and lightning appeared in the distance. A dreadful storm was approaching; once more the sails were reefed, and the great ship pursued her flying course over the raging sea. The waves rose mountains high, as if they would have overtopped the mast; but the ship dived like a swan between them, and then rose again on their lofty, foaming crests. To the little mermaid this appeared pleasant sport; not so to the sailors.
At length the ship groaned and creaked; the thick planks gave way under the lashing of the sea as it broke over the deck; the mainmast snapped asunder like a reed; the ship lay over on her side; and the water rushed in. The little mermaid now perceived that the crew were in danger; even she herself was obliged to be careful to avoid the beams and planks of the wreck which lay scattered on the water. At one moment it was so pitch dark that she could not see a single object, but a flash of lightning revealed the whole scene; she could see every one who had been on board excepting the prince; when the ship parted, she had seen him sink into the deep waves, and she was glad, for she thought he would now be with her; and then she remembered that human beings could not live in the water, so that when he got down to her father's palace he would be quite dead. But he must not die. So she swam about among the beams and planks which strewed the surface of the sea, forgetting that they could crush her to pieces. Then she dived deeply under the dark waters, rising and falling with the waves, till at length she managed to reach the young prince, who was fast losing the power of swimming in that stormy sea. His limbs were failing him, his beautiful eyes were closed, and he would have died had not the little mermaid come to his assistance. She held his head above the water, and let the waves drift them where they would.
In the morning the storm had ceased; but of the ship not a single fragment could be seen. The sun rose up red and glowing from the water, and its beams brought back the hue of health to the prince's cheeks; but his eyes remained closed. The mermaid kissed his high, smooth forehead, and stroked back his wet hair; he seemed to her like the marble statue in her little garden, and she kissed him again, and wished that he might live. Presently they came in sight of land; she saw lofty blue mountains, on which the white snow rested as if a flock of swans were lying upon them. Near the coast were beautiful green forests, and close by stood a large building, whether a church or a convent she could not tell. Orange and citron trees grew in the garden, and before the door stood lofty palms.
The sea here formed a little bay, in which the water was quite still, but very deep; so she swam with the handsome prince to the beach, which was covered with fine, white sand, and there she laid him in the warm sunshine, taking care to raise his head higher than his body. Then bells sounded in the large white building, and a number of young girls came into the garden. The little mermaid swam out farther from the shore and placed herself between some high rocks that rose out of the water; then she covered her head and neck with the foam of the sea so that her little face might not be seen, and watched to see what would become of the poor prince. She did not wait long before she saw a young girl approach the spot where he lay. She seemed frightened at first, but only for a moment; then she fetched a number of people, and the mermaid saw that the prince came to life again, and smiled upon those who stood round him. But to her he sent no smile; he knew not that she had saved him. This made her very unhappy, and when he was led away into the great building, she dived down sorrowfully into the water, and returned to her father's castle. She had always been silent and thoughtful, and now she was more so than ever. Her sisters asked her what she had seen during her first visit to the surface of the water; but she would tell them nothing. Many an evening and morning did she rise to the place where she had left the prince.
She saw the fruits in the garden ripen till they were gathered, the snow on the tops of the mountains melt away; but she never saw the prince, and therefore she returned home, always more sorrowful than before. It was her only comfort to sit in her own little garden, and fling her arm round the beautiful marble statue which was like the prince; but she gave up tending her flowers, and they grew in wild confusion over the paths, twining their long leaves and stems round the branches of the trees, so that the whole place became dark and gloomy. At length she could bear it no longer, and told one of her sisters all about it. Then the others heard the secret, and very soon it became known to two mermaids whose intimate friend happened to know who the prince was. She had also seen the festival on board ship, and she told them where the prince came from, and where his palace stood.
"Come, little sister," said the other princesses; then they entwined their arms and rose up in a long row to the surface of the water, close by the spot where they knew the prince's palace stood. It was built of bright yellow shining stone, with long flights of marble steps, one of which reached quite down to the sea. Splendid gilded cupolas rose over the roof, and between the pillars that surrounded the whole building stood life-like statues of marble. Through the clear crystal of the lofty windows could be seen noble rooms, with costly silk curtains and hangings of tapestry; while the walls were covered with beautiful paintings which were a pleasure to look at. In the centre of the largest saloon a fountain threw its sparkling jets high up into the glass cupola of the ceiling, through which the sun shone down upon the water and upon the beautiful plants growing round the basin of the fountain. Now that she knew where he lived, she spent many an evening and many a night on the water near the palace. She would swim much nearer the shore than any of the others ventured to do; indeed once she went quite up the narrow channel under the marble balcony, which threw a broad shadow on the water. Here she would sit and watch the young prince, who thought himself quite alone in the bright moonlight. She saw him many times of an evening sailing in a pleasant boat, with music playing and flags waving. She peeped out from among the green rushes, and if the wind caught her long silvery-white veil, those who saw it believed it to be a swan, spreading out its wings.
On many a night, too, when the fishermen, with their torches, were out at sea, she heard them relate so many good things about the doings of the young prince, that she was glad she had saved his life when he had been tossed about half-dead on the waves. And she remembered that his head had rested on her bosom, and how heartily she had kissed him; but he knew nothing of all this, and could not even dream of her. She grew more and more fond of human beings, and wished more and more to be able to wander about with those whose world seemed to be so much larger than her own. They could fly over the sea in ships, and mount the high hills which were far above the clouds; and the lands they possessed, their woods and their fields, stretched far away beyond the reach of her sight. There was so much that she wished to know, and her sisters were unable to answer all her questions. Then she applied to her old grandmother, who knew all about the upper world, which she very rightly called the lands above the sea.
"If human beings are not drowned," asked the little mermaid, "can they live forever? do they never die as we do here in the sea?"
"Yes," replied the old lady, "they must also die, and their term of life is even shorter than ours. We sometimes live to three hundred years, but when we cease to exist here we only become the foam on the surface of the water, and we have not even a grave down here of those we love. We have not immortal souls, we shall never live again; but, like the green seaweed, when once it has been cut off, we can never flourish more. Human beings, on the contrary, have a soul which lives forever, lives after the body has been turned to dust. It rises up through the clear, pure air beyond the glittering stars. As we rise out of the water, and behold all the land of the earth, so do they rise to unknown and glorious regions which we shall never see."
"Why have not we an immortal soul?" asked the little mermaid mournfully; "I would give gladly all the hundreds of years that I have to live, to be a human being only for one day, and to have the hope of knowing the happiness of that glorious world above the stars."
"You must not think of that," said the old woman; "we feel ourselves to be much happier and much better off than human beings."
"So I shall die," said the little mermaid, "and as the foam of the sea I shall be driven about never again to hear the music of the waves, or to see the pretty flowers nor the red sun. Is there anything I can do to win an immortal soul?"
"No," said the old woman, "unless a man were to love you so much that you were more to him than his father or mother; and if all his thoughts and all his love were fixed upon you, and the priest placed his right hand in yours, and he promised to be true to you here and hereafter, then his soul would glide into your body and you would obtain a share in the future happiness of mankind. He would give a soul to you and retain his own as well; but this can never happen. Your fish's tail, which amongst us is considered so beautiful, is thought on earth to be quite ugly; they do not know any better, and they think it necessary to have two stout props, which they call legs, in order to be handsome."
Then the little mermaid sighed, and looked sorrowfully at her fish's tail. "Let us be happy," said the old lady, "and dart and spring about during the three hundred years that we have to live, which is really quite long enough; after that we can rest ourselves all the better. This evening we are going to have a court ball."
It is one of those splendid sights which we can never see on earth. The walls and the ceiling of the large ballroom were of thick, but transparent crystal. May hundreds of colossal shells, some of a deep red, others of a grass green, stood on each side in rows, with blue fire in them, which lighted up the whole saloon, and shone through the walls, so that the sea was also illuminated. Innumerable fishes, great and small, swam past the crystal walls; on some of them the scales glowed with a purple brilliancy, and on others they shone like silver and gold. Through the halls flowed a broad stream, and in it danced the mermen and the mermaids to the music of their own sweet singing. No one on earth has such a lovely voice as theirs. The little mermaid sang more sweetly than them all. The whole court applauded her with hands and tails; and for a moment her heart felt quite gay, for she knew she had the loveliest voice of any on earth or in the sea. But she soon thought again of the world above her, for she could not forget the charming prince, nor her sorrow that she had not an immortal soul like his; therefore she crept away silently out of her father's palace, and while everything within was gladness and song, she sat in her own little garden sorrowful and alone.
Then she heard the bugle sounding through the water, and thought- "He is certainly sailing above, he on whom my wishes depend, and in whose hands I should like to place the happiness of my life. I will venture all for him, and to win an immortal soul, while my sisters are dancing in my father's palace, I will go to the sea witch, of whom I have always been so much afraid, but she can give me counsel and help."
And then the little mermaid went out from her garden, and took the road to the foaming whirlpools, behind which the sorceress lived. She had never been that way before: neither flowers nor grass grew there; nothing but bare, gray, sandy ground stretched out to the whirlpool, where the water, like foaming mill-wheels, whirled round everything that it seized, and cast it into the fathomless deep. Through the midst of these crushing whirlpools the little mermaid was obliged to pass, to reach the dominions of the sea witch; and also for a long distance the only road lay right across a quantity of warm, bubbling mire, called by the witch her turfmoor. Beyond this stood her house, in the center of a strange forest, in which all the trees and flowers were polypi, half animals and half plants; they looked like serpents with a hundred heads growing out of the ground. The branches were long slimy arms, with fingers like flexible worms, moving limb after limb from the root to the top. All that could be reached in the sea they seized upon, and held fast, so that it never escaped from their clutches.
The little mermaid was so alarmed at what she saw, that she stood still, and her heart beat with fear, and she was very nearly turning back; but she thought of the prince, and of the human soul for which she longed, and her courage returned. She fastened her long flowing hair round her head, so that the polypi might not seize hold of it. She laid her hands together across her bosom, and then she darted forward as a fish shoots through the water, between the supple arms and fingers of the ugly polypi, which were stretched out on each side of her. She saw that each held in its grasp something it had seized with its numerous little arms, as if they were iron bands. The white skeletons of human beings who had perished at sea, and had sunk down into the deep waters, skeletons of land animals, oars, rudders, and chests of ships were lying tightly grasped by their clinging arms; even a little mermaid, whom they had caught and strangled; and this seemed the most shocking of all to the little princess.
She now came to a space of marshy ground in the wood, where large, fat water snakes were rolling in the mire, and showing their ugly, drab-colored bodies. In the midst of this spot stood a house, built with the bones of shipwrecked human beings. There sat the sea witch, allowing a toad to eat from her mouth, just as people sometimes feed a canary with a piece of sugar. She called the ugly water snakes her little chickens, and allowed them to crawl all over her bosom.
"I know what you want," said the sea witch; "it is very stupid of you, but you shall have your way, and it will bring you to sorrow, my pretty princess. You want to get rid of your fish's tail, and to have two supports instead of it, like human beings on earth, so that the young prince may fall in love with you, and that you may have an immortal soul." And then the witch laughed so loud and disgustingly, that the toad and the snakes fell to the ground, and lay there wriggling about. "You are but just in time," said the witch; "for after sunrise to-morrow I should not be able to help you till the end of another year. I will prepare a draught for you, with which you must swim to land tomorrow before sunrise, and sit down on the shore and drink it. Your tail will then disappear, and shrink up into what mankind calls legs, and you will feel great pain, as if a sword were passing through you. But all who see you will say that you are the prettiest little human being they ever saw. You will still have the same floating gracefulness of movement, and no dancer will ever tread so lightly; but at every step you take it will feel as if you were treading upon sharp knives, and that the blood must flow. If you will bear all this, I will help you."
"Yes, I will," said the little princess in a trembling voice, as she thought of the prince and the immortal soul.
"But think again," said the witch; "for when once your shape has become like a human being, you can no more be a mermaid. You will never return through the water to your sisters, or to your father's palace again; and if you do not win the love of the prince, so that he is willing to forget his father and mother for your sake, and to love you with his whole soul, and allow the priest to join your hands that you may be man and wife, then you will never have an immortal soul. The first morning after he marries another your heart will break, and you will become foam on the crest of the waves."
"I will do it," said the little mermaid, and she became pale as death.
"But I must be paid also," said the witch, "and it is not a trifle that I ask. You have the sweetest voice of any who dwell here in the depths of the sea, and you believe that you will be able to charm the prince with it also, but this voice you must give to me; the best thing you possess will I have for the price of my draught. My own blood must be mixed with it, that it may be as sharp as a two-edged sword."
"But if you take away my voice," said the little mermaid, "what is left for me?"
"Your beautiful form, your graceful walk, and your expressive eyes; surely with these you can enchain a man's heart. Well, have you lost your courage? Put out your little tongue that I may cut it off as my payment; then you shall have the powerful draught."
"It shall be," said the little mermaid.
Then the witch placed her cauldron on the fire, to prepare the magic draught.
"Cleanliness is a good thing," said she, scouring the vessel with snakes, which she had tied together in a large knot; then she pricked herself in the breast, and let the black blood drop into it. The steam that rose formed itself into such horrible shapes that no one could look at them without fear. Every moment the witch threw something else into the vessel, and when it began to boil, the sound was like the weeping of a crocodile. When at last the magic draught was ready, it looked like the clearest water. "There it is for you," said the witch. Then she cut off the mermaid's tongue, so that she became dumb, and would never again speak or sing. "If the polypi should seize hold of you as you return through the wood," said the witch, "throw over them a few drops of the potion, and their fingers will be torn into a thousand pieces." But the little mermaid had no occasion to do this, for the polypi sprang back in terror when they caught sight of the glittering draught, which shone in her hand like a twinkling star.
So she passed quickly through the wood and the marsh, and between the rushing whirlpools. She saw that in her father's palace the torches in the ballroom were extinguished, and all within asleep; but she did not venture to go in to them, for now she was dumb and going to leave them forever, she felt as if her heart would break. She stole into the garden, took a flower from the flowerbeds of each of her sisters, kissed her hand a thousand times towards the palace, and then rose up through the dark blue waters. The sun had not risen when she came in sight of the prince's palace, and approached the beautiful marble steps, but the moon shone clear and bright. Then the little mermaid drank the magic draught, and it seemed as if a two-edged sword went through her delicate body: she fell into a swoon, and lay like one dead. When the sun arose and shone over the sea, she recovered, and felt a sharp pain; but just before her stood the handsome young prince.
He fixed his coal-black eyes upon her so earnestly that she cast down her own, and then became aware that her fish's tail was gone, and that she had as pretty a pair of white legs and tiny feet as any little maiden could have; but she had no clothes, so she wrapped herself in her long, thick hair. The prince asked her who she was, and where she came from, and she looked at him mildly and sorrowfully with her deep blue eyes; but she could not speak. Every step she took was as the witch had said it would be, she felt as if treading upon the points of needles or sharp knives; but she bore it willingly, and stepped as lightly by the prince's side as a soap-bubble, so that he and all who saw her wondered at her graceful-swaying movements. She was very soon arrayed in costly robes of silk and muslin, and was the most beautiful creature in the palace; but she was dumb, and could neither speak nor sing.
Beautiful female slaves, dressed in silk and gold, stepped forward and sang before the prince and his royal parents: one sang better than all the others, and the prince clapped his hands and smiled at her. This was great sorrow to the little mermaid; she knew how much more sweetly she herself could sing once, and she thought, "Oh if he could only know that! I have given away my voice forever, to be with him."
The slaves next performed some pretty fairy-like dances, to the sound of beautiful music. Then the little mermaid raised her lovely white arms, stood on the tips of her toes, and glided over the floor, and danced as no one yet had been able to dance. At each moment her beauty became more revealed, and her expressive eyes appealed more directly to the heart than the songs of the slaves. Every one was enchanted, especially the prince, who called her his little foundling; and she danced again quite readily, to please him, though each time her foot touched the floor it seemed as if she trod on sharp knives."
The prince said she should remain with him always, and she received permission to sleep at his door, on a velvet cushion. He had a page's dress made for her, that she might accompany him on horseback. They rode together through the sweet-scented woods, where the green boughs touched their shoulders, and the little birds sang among the fresh leaves. She climbed with the prince to the tops of high mountains; and although her tender feet bled so that even her steps were marked, she only laughed, and followed him till they could see the clouds beneath them looking like a flock of birds traveling to distant lands. While at the prince's palace, and when all the household were asleep, she would go and sit on the broad marble steps; for it eased her burning feet to bathe them in the cold sea-water; and then she thought of all those below in the deep.
Once during the night her sisters came up arm-in-arm, singing sorrowfully, as they floated on the water. She beckoned to them, and then they recognized her, and told her how she had grieved them. After that, they came to the same place every night; and once she saw in the distance her old grandmother, who had not been to the surface of the sea for many years, and the old Sea King, her father, with his crown on his head. They stretched out their hands towards her, but they did not venture so near the land as her sisters did.
As the days passed, she loved the prince more fondly, and he loved her as he would love a little child, but it never came into his head to make her his wife; yet, unless he married her, she could not receive an immortal soul; and, on the morning after his marriage with another, she would dissolve into the foam of the sea.
"Do you not love me the best of them all?" the eyes of the little mermaid seemed to say, when he took her in his arms, and kissed her fair forehead.
"Yes, you are dear to me," said the prince; "for you have the best heart, and you are the most devoted to me; you are like a young maiden whom I once saw, but whom I shall never meet again. I was in a ship that was wrecked, and the waves cast me ashore near a holy temple, where several young maidens performed the service. The youngest of them found me on the shore, and saved my life. I saw her but twice, and she is the only one in the world whom I could love; but you are like her, and you have almost driven her image out of my mind. She belongs to the holy temple, and my good fortune has sent you to me instead of her; and we will never part."
"Ah, he knows not that it was I who saved his life," thought the little mermaid. "I carried him over the sea to the wood where the temple stands: I sat beneath the foam, and watched till the human beings came to help him. I saw the pretty maiden that he loves better than he loves me;" and the mermaid sighed deeply, but she could not shed tears. "He says the maiden belongs to the holy temple, therefore she will never return to the world. They will meet no more: while I am by his side, and see him every day. I will take care of him, and love him, and give up my life for his sake."
Very soon it was said that the prince must marry, and that the beautiful daughter of a neighboring king would be his wife, for a fine ship was being fitted out. Although the prince gave out that he merely intended to pay a visit to the king, it was generally supposed that he really went to see his daughter. A great company were to go with him. The little mermaid smiled, and shook her head. She knew the prince's thoughts better than any of the others.
"I must travel," he had said to her; "I must see this beautiful princess; my parents desire it; but they will not oblige me to bring her home as my bride. I cannot love her; she is not like the beautiful maiden in the temple, whom you resemble. If I were forced to choose a bride, I would rather choose you, my dumb foundling, with those expressive eyes." And then he kissed her rosy mouth, played with her long waving hair, and laid his head on her heart, while she dreamed of human happiness and an immortal soul. "You are not afraid of the sea, my dumb child," said he, as they stood on the deck of the noble ship which was to carry them to the country of the neighboring king. And then he told her of storm and of calm, of strange fishes in the deep beneath them, and of what the divers had seen there; and she smiled at his descriptions, for she knew better than any one what wonders were at the bottom of the sea.
In the moonlight, when all on board were asleep, excepting the man at the helm, who was steering, she sat on the deck, gazing down through the clear water. She thought she could distinguish her father's castle, and upon it her aged grandmother, with the silver crown on her head, looking through the rushing tide at the keel of the vessel. Then her sisters came up on the waves, and gazed at her mournfully, wringing their white hands. She beckoned to them, and smiled, and wanted to tell them how happy and well off she was; but the cabin boy approached, and when her sisters dived down he thought it was only the foam of the sea which he saw.
The next morning the ship sailed into the harbor of a beautiful town belonging to the king whom the prince was going to visit. The church bells were ringing, and from the high towers sounded a flourish of trumpets; and soldiers, with flying colors and glittering bayonets, lined the rocks through which they passed. Every day was a festival; balls and entertainments followed one another.
But the princess had not yet appeared. People said that she was being brought up and educated in a religious house, where she was learning every royal virtue. At last she came. Then the little mermaid, who was very anxious to see whether she was really beautiful, was obliged to acknowledge that she had never seen a more perfect vision of beauty. Her skin was delicately fair, and beneath her long dark eyelashes her laughing blue eyes shone with truth and purity.
"It was you," said the prince, "who saved my life when I lay dead on the beach," and he folded his blushing bride in his arms. "Oh, I am too happy," said he to the little mermaid; "my fondest hopes are all fulfilled. You will rejoice at my happiness; for your devotion to me is great and sincere."
The little mermaid kissed his hand, and felt as if her heart were already broken. His wedding morning would bring death to her, and she would change into the foam of the sea. All the church bells rung, and the heralds rode about the town proclaiming the betrothal. Perfumed oil was burning in costly silver lamps on every altar. The priests waved the censers, while the bride and bridegroom joined their hands and received the blessing of the bishop. The little mermaid, dressed in silk and gold, held up the bride's train; but her ears heard nothing of the festive music, and her eyes saw not the holy ceremony; she thought of the night of death which was coming to her, and of all she had lost in the world. On the same evening the bride and bridegroom went on board ship; cannons were roaring, flags waving, and in the center of the ship a costly tent of purple and gold had been erected. It contained elegant couches, for the reception of the bridal pair during the night. The ship, with swelling sails and a favorable wind, glided away smoothly and lightly over the calm sea. When it grew dark a number of colored lamps were lit, and the sailors danced merrily on the deck. The little mermaid could not help thinking of her first rising out of the sea, when she had seen similar festivities and joys; and she joined in the dance, poised herself in the air as a swallow when he pursues his prey, and all present cheered her with wonder. She had never danced so elegantly before. Her tender feet felt as if cut with sharp knives, but she cared not for it; a sharper pang had pierced through her heart. She knew this was the last evening she should ever see the prince, for whom she had forsaken her kindred and her home; she had given up her beautiful voice, and suffered unheard-of pain daily for him, while he knew nothing of it. This was the last evening that she would breathe the same air with him, or gaze on the starry sky and the deep sea; an eternal night, without a thought or a dream, awaited her: she had no soul and now she could never win one.
All was joy and gayety on board ship till long after midnight; she laughed and danced with the rest, while the thoughts of death were in her heart. The prince kissed his beautiful bride, while she played with his raven hair, till they went arm-in-arm to rest in the splendid tent. Then all became still on board the ship; the helmsman, alone awake, stood at the helm. The little mermaid leaned her white arms on the edge of the vessel, and looked towards the east for the first blush of morning, for that first ray of dawn that would bring her death. She saw her sisters rising out of the flood: they were as pale as herself; but their long beautiful hair waved no more in the wind, and had been cut off.
"We have given our hair to the witch," said they, "to obtain help for you, that you may not die to-night. She has given us a knife: here it is, see it is very sharp. Before the sun rises you must plunge it into the heart of the prince; when the warm blood falls upon your feet they will grow together again, and form into a fish's tail, and you will be once more a mermaid, and return to us to live out your three hundred years before you die and change into the salt sea foam. Haste, then; he or you must die before sunrise. Our old grandmother moans so for you, that her white hair is falling off from sorrow, as ours fell under the witch's scissors. Kill the prince and come back; hasten: do you not see the first red streaks in the sky? In a few minutes the sun will rise, and you must die." And then they sighed deeply and mournfully, and sank down beneath the waves.
The little mermaid drew back the crimson curtain of the tent, and beheld the fair bride with her head resting on the prince's breast. She bent down and kissed his fair brow, then looked at the sky on which the rosy dawn grew brighter and brighter; then she glanced at the sharp knife, and again fixed her eyes on the prince, who whispered the name of his bride in his dreams. She was in his thoughts, and the knife trembled in the hand of the little mermaid: then she flung it far away from her into the waves; the water turned red where it fell, and the drops that spurted up looked like blood. She cast one more lingering, half-fainting glance at the prince, and then threw herself from the ship into the sea, and thought her body was dissolving into foam. The sun rose above the waves, and his warm rays fell on the cold foam of the little mermaid, who did not feel as if she were dying. She saw the bright sun, and all around her floated hundreds of transparent beautiful beings; she could see through them the white sails of the ship, and the red clouds in the sky; their speech was melodious, but too ethereal to be heard by mortal ears, as they were also unseen by mortal eyes. The little mermaid perceived that she had a body like theirs, and that she continued to rise higher and higher out of the foam. "Where am I?" asked she, and her voice sounded ethereal, as the voice of those who were with her; no earthly music could imitate it.
"Among the daughters of the air," answered one of them. "A mermaid has not an immortal soul, nor can she obtain one unless she wins the love of a human being. On the power of another hangs her eternal destiny. But the daughters of the air, although they do not possess an immortal soul, can, by their good deeds, procure one for themselves. We fly to warm countries, and cool the sultry air that destroys mankind with the pestilence. We carry the perfume of the flowers to spread health and restoration. After we have striven for three hundred years to all the good in our power, we receive an immortal soul and take part in the happiness of mankind. You, poor little mermaid, have tried with your whole heart to do as we are doing; you have suffered and endured and raised yourself to the spirit-world by your good deeds; and now, by striving for three hundred years in the same way, you may obtain an immortal soul."
The little mermaid lifted her glorified eyes towards the sun, and felt them, for the first time, filling with tears. On the ship, in which she had left the prince, there were life and noise; she saw him and his beautiful bride searching for her; sorrowfully they gazed at the pearly foam, as if they knew she had thrown herself into the waves. Unseen she kissed the forehead of her bride, and fanned the prince, and then mounted with the other children of the air to a rosy cloud that floated through the aether.
"After three hundred years, thus shall we float into the kingdom of heaven," said she. "And we may even get there sooner," whispered one of her companions. "Unseen we can enter the houses of men, where there are children, and for every day on which we find a good child, who is the joy of his parents and deserves their love, our time of probation is shortened. The child does not know, when we fly through the room, that we smile with joy at his good conduct, for we can count one year less of our three hundred years. But when we see a naughty or a wicked child, we shed tears of sorrow, and for every tear a day is added to our time of trial!"