i already forget how i used to feel about you

kopishoprock just ended its run.

i have never blogged about KSR even though it has been such an astronomical part of my life. for the past few months, it has always been law iv law iv law iv. every single week, for hours each time. this will be an impossibly long post, so beware.

when i told the cast that this will go down as one of the most magical moments in my life, they laughed at me for being the ever-dramatic and emotional eunice. but i really meant it. being part of this was one of the best things that had ever happened to me that i will always always always remember.

being actually being cast as eliza chan came as a great present. i always thought that i would end up as a "recurring guest performer" (only those involved in KSR understand the phrase) much like how we act during the cabaret scene, just smiling and as megan puts it, "act spastic". never would i have imagined that i would land the role of eliza chan, because i know who was auditioning for KSR and i knew that they were all fantastic actresses who would all do a fantastic job. even up till today, im not sure if i was the best person for the job, but one thing i know is that it was definitely the best thing that happened to me this year.

i have never played a role like eliza chan. the last time i was on stage, i was 15 going 16. we played spastic roles like jesters (remember emperor's box shen?), flames of a fire, read poetry and really, act corny and cheesy and completely stupid. we were the joke of eldds, (yes we were shen.) not in a totally bad way but in a pleasantly embarrassing way. i doubted whether i could actually act, since the only acting i had done prior to this was act stupid, completely different from the uber-serious eliza chan who is probably more emotional than enunice ng.

at the first instance, one would have thought that eunice ng is similar to eliza chan. let me dispel that myth because no i am not like eliza at all. for the longest time in june i remember telling ppl that i hate eliza. she's boring and prudish and doesnt know how to appreciate joshua. i had problems acting her because i couldnt understand what kind of person she was. (what kind of girlfriend doesnt flirt with her bf?!) she didn't flirt, wasn't bitchy, wanted to study.. now now, tell me eliza isn't boring? i guess yes, we are both opinionated but i have toned down a lot ok.. and we are both emotional but eliza chan is temperamental even by my standards! so yes, acting eliza wasn't as easy as i had thought it would be.

singing was, ok horrendous. let's not even go there. let's just say i should never attempt high notes ever again. all the ear-screeching moments and difficulties finding suitable keys to sing in. argh. i shall stick to ktv.

those closer to me will know that i regretted doing eliza for a while. not because i didnt enjoy it but because i felt that i was not good enough. i felt that i couldn't live up to the directors' expectations and i couldn't act and sing. i felt that i was pulling down the production and that maybe someone else should take over. but a part of me didnt want to give up because i knew it was something that i really wanted to be part of.

there were the many hiccups along the way. we were running so late on schedule. we didnt have our props ready. our songs weren't ready. props were destroyed along the way. lines weren't memorised. energy levels werent up to scratch. cues were wrong. too much talking backstage. back facing audience. mics didnt come in till much later. cast wasn't complete till much much later. divides among the cast. bitch fights and malicious emails. diva and lackdaisical attitudes. low morales. it seemed like such an arduous and uphill task that so many times i wondered if we were ever going to make it.

but all through the way i knew the musical had tremendous potential. from the first time i read it from my laptop back in march, i knew it was going to be fantastic. i could imagine it in my head, the lines were witty and funny. it was slapstick, intelligent, emotional, cheesy, heart-wrenching and touching all at the same time. the songs were perfect (though i butchered them); the tunes were magical and the lyrics made me cry. the cast was great! all we needed was time to nail it and it would be the most amazing law iv musical ever.

at the end of the day, KSR was a roaring success. night after night, we listened to the symphony of applause and raptures of laughter. we took in the sights of 3 nights of packed audiences. we sang we danced we acted our hearts out. looking back now is a pleasant mixture of tears and smiles. smiles because it was so sweet being part of KSR, tears because KSR has now ended its run and because ill miss it oh-so-much.

ill miss acting. i love acting. my favourite activity as a kid was play-acting. in the words of emma yong, "it's something that [makes] me get up in the morning. i enjoy being completely absorbed in a role and getting to a place of truth with a character." i like to soak in the atmosphere of a well-produced play, the pregnant pauses, deafening silence, tension-filled situations, hilarious moments, dramatic shoutings, the use of body language, everything. the ability to express oneself is the one thing that excites me most. ill miss acting so much. after all, it is my last chance to act in a production like this. not just any production but a beautiful one like KSR.

ill miss performing. it gives you a natural high that cannot be replicated. i remember elvin telling me how so many musicians are druggies because they always feel so empty. when you perform, you are on that perpetual high. it is the thrill of a live performance that gives you that adrenaline rush. not only that, the many months before that, the unimaginable hard work that goes behind every performance, it all adds up and makes it so much more sweeter when you are up on that stage. and it is true, that when the curtains close, it can get so empty and hollow inside because there is notihng to work towards anymore. and that's why so many musicians turn to drugs, to mimic that high they get on stage as an avenue of escape from real life. performers like to live in the fantasy of stage-life because it is on stage that they feel complete and fulfilled.

but most of all, ill miss KSR. Those times when we had no space to rehearse, just along the corridor up at level 4. when we didnt have money to build the set. i remember having to fight with the yr1s for use of the auditorium. we saw the set being built from scratch, saw the stage coming together. from individual scenes to the mammoth musical. i witnessed the growth of the cast members, and i think we have all improved by so much. from the times when we had to grapple with the lack of chemistry to making people go aww now.

and how can i forget the wonderful cast. i really love each and every member. from scary megan to patient leon to cheeky francis to feisty susie to blur julia to boyish zhiqian to insane jin huang to cheekokek to enigamtic evelyn to funny shawn to earnest bob. i love our producers, band, vocal coach, stage managers all down to the crew. i admire the dedication that everyone has put in to make KSR such a success. even though we had our differences and bitchy spats, at the end of the day we really are one big family. a family that i hope will stay strong even after KSR ends its run.

KSR has ended its run but doesn't mean it's gone. right kwan?