i already forget how i used to feel about you

Everyone says goodbye at some point in time. I went to a cremation service yesterday. The man who died was the father of one of the kids I teach in church. This poor man had suffered for 7 years and was a scary sight just before he died, reduced to a bag of bones, too weak to even move. Although they knew for years that he was dying, the family persevered, staying close-knit all the way. His wife stood beside him all the way, taking immaculate care of him all the time he was ill. She had to look after him and her three children, she had to be strong for him all the way.

I witnessed the power of love yesterday. Even though loving this man was so torturous, it was so tiring and draining, she remained faithful to him all the way, never once complaining. This was a family on social welfare, with zero income, with three young children. Yet she found the strength to continue caring for this family. She was willing to endure all the pain of watching her beloved die, degenerate for 7 years because she loved him that much. It would have been so easy for her to just give up, because loving this man was so painful. She was young, she could easily have remarried. Yet she stuck by him through thick and thin, supporting him everyway she could. I saw how love gives us strength to carry on when we think we can't.

It was so heartwrenching. Just before he was to be cremated, she was wailing for him to come back. She cried about how she wanted to leave with him. For the first time in years, I saw the strong woman reduced to shivers and tears, mourning the loss of her husband. The children were crying uncontrollably, crying out how they wanted their father to come back. There was not a single dry eye.

It made me wonder, when we should cling on to love and when we should just give up. Loving this man was so painful, but it was even more painful for her to let him go. When are we being stubborn and when are we being faithful?

At the funeral, I saw myself in it. After so many years, I think I am finally ready to say goodbye. I mourn the loss of the greatest love I never thought I would have, but I guess over the past few months, we have realised that sometimes, enough really is enough. How many times can we say goodbye and see love die? Each break-up killed me, every single time. And then we would uncover it, resurrect it, then let it die again.

I buried my past yesterday. I buried the dreams and plans we made. It was like a part of me that died because for so long, all my plans and hopes pivoted around hopes of eternity with this one person. Yet it is time to wake up and stop praying for something that would never work, perhaps something that was doomed from the start. Sometimes, it can be so right and yet oh-so-wrong.

I'm looking life squarely and right in its face, once again, praying that I will really find the courage and strength to walk away once and for all.



So yes, goodbye.



Have you wondered how it feels when it's all over?
Wondered how it feels when you just have to start anew,
Never knowing,
Where you're going,
When you face a brand new day,
It used to be that way.
Now I just close my eyes and say

I just wanna breathe again,
Learn to face the joy and pain,
Discover how to laugh a little,
Cry a little,
Live a little more.

I just wanna face the day,
Forget about the woes of yesterday,
Maybe if I hope a little,
Try a little more,
I'll breathe again.

Starting out again is never easy.
Disappointments come and go,
But life still moves on.
With a bit of luck,
It's a brand new start.
That might just work my way,
No need to walk away,
Don't wanna live on life's replay.

Things will work out fine,
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn.