i already forget how i used to feel about you

I hate gossip. it is a malicious creature that distorts and stains reality a hideous grey. Man's innate craving for sensationalisation drives him to knowingly place biased judgments on situations that are otherwise innocuous. He twists facts and exaggerates truths, tainting honesty and facts into revolting chapters of mendacity.


This perverted need for dramatisation mirrors one's own mundane life, we all enjoy theatrical entrees in certain episodes of this long dreary thing we call life. We are all guilty of this sin, we have all at some point or another, intentionally deformed and warped perceptions. We buy into half-truths which we know are more likely than not untrue. This behaviour is abominable. It reflects our lack of respect for others. For the sake of satisfying our own perverse nature and desire for sensationalisation, we sacrifice the reputation of another. There is no such thing as harmless gossip because the very essence of gossip is scandal and nosiness, aimed to snoop around and pry apart another's privacy.


Why then, does it bother us when we are at the receiving end of rumours? If we know that it is untrue, and that these gossip mongers are just satisfying their pathetic need for scandals, why then should we be bothered? Discernment and the ability to do so does not immune us from the frustration of slander.


Central to this is the issue of pride. the exasperation and aggravation resulting from being on the receiving end of malice stems from this sin we call pride. Satan is a clever one. A sin is only effective in the presence of another sin. If we could look past our pride, rumours would not unsettle us so badly. If status and repute were truly immaterial, insignificant, denigration would not dent us.


If we delve deep enough and if we are honest enough, we will recognise that we are undeniably self-centred. Fixated on ourselves and how people view us. A large part of what forms our individuality and identity is how people see us. Their opinions and judgment towards us affect us and impact us in a greater way than we would like to admit. The attitude others bear towards us encroach upon our self-worth.


Pride is simply a manifestation of that implicit realisation. The acute awareness that our self-worth and identity are shaped and influenced by the perceptions and viewpoint of others on us drives us to protect and advance our repute. That is why we are prone to clarify what is embarrassing and detrimental to our reputation, yet slow to elucidate when the facts paint a misleading yet flattering view of ourselves. Many a time we intentionally paint a certain fact pattern in different hues of deception. Not exactly false but not exactly accurate. It's much like saying 'I know LKY' but neglecting to add that 'but he doesn't know me.' or like saying 'I saw X and Y together!' but failing to mention that X and Y were with like 10 other people.


I have to admit that I am a creature of pride. I am angry and upset when I am the object of rumours. But these sentiments are accompanied by underlying feelings of shame and embarrassment. I am embarrassed to be associated with certain people, I am ashamed to be depicted as a person of "mediocre" social stature. I am guilty of the sin of pride. I cannot ignore my human nature and live life disregarding what people think of me. My self-worth continues to be influenced by how others see me.


Therefore, while I hate gossip and people who speak ill of me, I hate myself more for failing to embrace the teachings of the bible. My hate for malicious rumours is triggered only by the underlying truth of wretchedness. I am wretched and pathetic because I base my worth and self-respect on the world and its take on me and who I am, instead of who I really am and the unique individual that my creator has made me out to be.


but this consciousness does not mean that I cease to abhor gossip about me. so stop it.