i already forget how i used to feel about you

have you ever met a person who just takes your breath away with a single glance? who you click with so well it feels like he is your soulmate and you can never find another like that again? does he make you laugh when you're together and smile even when you're alone just thinking of him? do you find yourself obsessing about how to see him again, how to find an excuse just to call him to msg him? do you worry about how you look days before you're next expected to meet him? is every encounter with him always too short? do you think about how to make him happy with little surprises and little gifts? do you wonder what he likes to eat what he likes to do, the type of music he likes, his views on a particular issue?

do you also know what it is like hate this person with every particle in your being? because he has destroyed you. because he has robbed you of everything you are. because you just cannot get over him. for what is hate but another form of passion, just as love is? the opposite of love is the lack of passion, not hate. beneath the recesses of hate is a lingering passion, a reminder of how much you still love him. do you know what it is like to love a person you hate? do you know what it is like to not be able to get over a person no matter how hard you try, no matter how many years it has been?

one day we will look back and see that we have come out of this dark dark pit. we will find that we can get over a person. there seems to be this switch which turns all our emotions off and everything becomes a thing of the past. but while you are still in the dark, groping for that switch, it is a struggle. every moment is living agony because it feels like this switch does not exist. that you are never ever going to be able to find it.

it is ironical that sometimes the person who makes you the happiest is also the person who devastates you. my maid, who i grew up with, said that my best friend would be my best enemy. she warned me to be careful of people i was close to. how cynical and how protective. yet on hindsight, what wise words. people will never understand the depth of these words until they have known the pains of betrayal. what is like to trust another with everything you have and are only to have the other person turn around and trample upon everything you have entrusted him with. the feeling of having your self-worth stamped on till it's nothing but.. well, really nothing at all.

betrayal is a terrible feeling. you feel abandoned you feel tricked you feel indignant you feel short-changed. and yet life isn't a contract where you can get remedies for broken promises. and the best thing to do is to forgive.