i already forget how i used to feel about you

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Girls.

The truth is, girls really are unfathomable creatures aren't we? We are greedy creatures and there are times everything guys do is wrong

"How much do you love me?"
"100% of all I have."
"Doesn't that mean you cant love me more than this?"
"Okok.. 90%.. and ill love you more with each day that passes."
"WHAT?! (hyena screech) you mean you dont love me with all your heart?"

"Do you think I look better in skirts or jeans?"
"I love you in both, dear."
"No, choose."
"You look gorgeous in both. They're just different."
"C H O O S E."
"Okok. Skirts. I like the feminine look."
"Ok.. (pause) what's wrong with jeans?"
"Nothing! I just like you in skirts."
"SO YOU DON'T LIKE ME IN JEANS?!?!"

This is the classic.

"Does this make me look fat?"
Guys never really know how to reply especially when it really isn't the most flattering piece. But for the sake of their ear-drums, they almost always say no.

"Erm, no." This is fine till she actually buys it and realises she does look fat in it and that's when all hell breaks loose.
"YOU LIAR! How can i know when to trust you or not?"
"So you secretly think I'm fat?! -sniff sniff- You've just been lying to me all this while?"

So guys, there is always the alternative reply.
"Well... a little bit." This is when all hell breaks loose immediately.

Girls, there's no pleasing us, is there?

So guys, here's a mini-guide on how to treat girls. It's an inside secret, so treasure it well. The main idea is, girls never wanted equality. Girls want to be SUPREME. We want guys to pay for us, to adore us, and not to treat us as your equal. You're the man, the protector and provider and above all, you're also the slave.

On being a gentleman

Another thing that girls do, we hardly mean what we say. Well, not that we are completely hypocritical but i think guys should be aware when we are actually saying something other than what comes out of our mouths.

"Shall I pick you up?"

"Oh it's fine."

"Nono, it's really ok."

"It's ok, it's not on the way."

"Are you sure?"

"Yea."

"Let me pay please."

"Oh no, that's not nice. You always pay. It's my turn."

"Don't fret. It's fine with me."

"Oh Nono..I insist. We'll go dutch."

"Well.. ok.. If you insist."

"Do you like this?"

"Yea but well.. it's kinda expensive."

"Don't worry about it. I can afford it."

"Oh no darling. It's really ok. I don't need it."

"Ok.."

And there we are, secretly cursing the guy. Stupid ungentlemanly prick. Guys, I'll let you in on a secret. For the record, the way to do it is to REQUEST.

"May I pick you up?"

"May I buy this for you?"

As for paying. JUST PAY. Don't even ask. Act like it's expected of you. Waiter comes, out comes the visa. That's my boy right there.

Naturally the girl will object (sometimes, at least). If the girl says not to do it for her, go one step further.

"Please. It's my honour. I want to do it for you."

Golden rules of dating

1. Pay. Always pay.

2. Pick me up when we're going out and send me home

3. Pick me up before I meet my friends, send me home after I meet my friends. No matter how late.

4. Give me a wake-up call every morning so I'm not late for school

5. Call me, msg me through out the day. Even if I don't call/msg, do it.

6. Carry my bags. Shopping bags are a must. Handbags are a plus. I don't think thats gay. I think that's sweet. Only a guy unconfident of his manhood will be afraid to be this gentlemanly.

7. When picking me up, DO NOT WAIT IN THE CAR. Wait beside the door of the passenger seat.

8. Open doors (including car doors and that applies to sending me home. Get out of the car and open the door so I can get out of your car) for me.

8. Pull the chair out for me.

9. Stand when I stand to leave the table.

10. When doing down stairs, walk before me and hold my hand as I walk down so I don't trip. When going up, walk behind me so you're there if I fall.

11. Give massages. All the time. foot massages. head massages. back massages.

12. Give me hugs and kisses out of the blue. as if im so irresistable you cant help it.

13. Surprise me. I EXPECT TO BE SURPRISED.

14. Tell me im gorgeous and you've never laid eyes on anything as beautiful. it may be a lie but girls are suckers for such lies. even better if you really mean it.

15. tell me jokes and don't expect me to always laugh at them

16. laugh at my jokes even if they're not funny. in fact, tell me im funny even if i bore you.

One thing though, don't do it unless you want to do it. Don't be a girl and say you want to pick me up from clubbing at 4am when you don't really want to and secretly curse me in your heart. Girls hate it. We expect guys to WANT to pamper us, to LONG to treat us like princesses. So if you're only doing it because it's expected of you and you don't actually want to buy something for us, don't. When you do something nice for a girl, let it really come from your heart. Don't do something nice for a girl and end up complaining about it. that's the worse kinda guy.

Girls and being unreasonable

Girls are unreasonable at times. It is true. But you know what guys? Give in to us. It's our prerogative. Sometimes girls pick fights for no apparent reason when everything is going smooth-sailing just to add to the drama in the relationship. It's true whether your girlfriend admits it or not. We nitpick at little inconsequential things when we are secure in the relationship. It's like an innate mechanism that kicks off when nothing goes wrong. Come on girl, there must be something wrong if nothing's wrong. Sometimes, guys are too perfect and that irks us too. I know friends who get irritated because their guy is soo perfect they cant find anything to pick a fight on.

Guys, you have to understand that girls know we are being unreasonable. But so what? we are allowed to be. if you don't give in to us, it means you dont know how to treat a girl. if you do give in to us, it means you really love us, and you pamper us, you spoil us and you dote on us. So which would prefer? Giving in or WWIII?

Be careful though, girls don't like guys to be push-overs. If you are too easy, you're not man enough. it's a delicate balance and a tricky issue. But I would say give in 80% of the time. There are times you have to be a man and say "now that's enough darling. a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

Guys on being protectors

Guys are exepected to be protectors. Which means, when a cockroach appears and the girl starts screaming, even if you have an insane fear of cockroaches, you have to put your arms around her and say "its ok baby. im here." And then, you find something to rid this frightful world of the one thing thats scaring the woman you love. Be it the trusty newspaper roll, the ever-present slipper or (if you're man enough) your hands, just get rid of the thing. and please. do not be a wussy and use insecticide. By the time you find it, your girlfriend would have stopped screaming and the effect of you being her savious would have been lost.

Another thing, girls aren't exactly useless. We are not really THAT scared of flying insects. We are just giving you the chance of show off and us a chance to act vulnerable. I for one, am not that afraid of cockroaches AS LONG AS ITS AT LEAST 2M AWAY FROM ME. I still recall the incident in the library discussion room when azmin dangled a cockroach in my face. That was cruel azzy. Anyway, the main thing is, we will scream when we're scared but after a while, we will stop screaming. Do you really think we will just stand there and scream and scream for the next 10hours?

Being a protector comes with sacrifice. This means covering your gf with your jacket when its freezing cold when your gf didnt bring hers. (even if you did tell her to because you knew it would be cold and you would have to end up sacrificing your jacket)

I recall an incident when I was being ferociously bitten by mosquitoes and the guy stuck out his arm.

"what are you doing?"

"so the mosquitoes will bite me not you."

I know it seems like the most stupid thing ever now. But at that moment, i felt like he was superman.

Another time when I was sick and the same guy worried over me, made me porridge and sponged me periodically and kept telling me he's worried for me, and hugged me and told me to be well soon. Took leave to be by my side so that the first person I see when I wake up was him..I tell you guys, when girls are vulnerable and you do these things for us, you've got your target.

When girls are sad and really down, comfort us. if you can, cry with us as if you feel our pain and it really hurts you to see us hurt.

Girls always dig guys who can protect us.

Guys as Mr.-Sweet-and-multi-purpose-boyfriend

Also guys, you have to do things for your gf. Like if she's having problems with her computer, her chair is a lil creaky, you have to turn into mr. handyman. Take on her problems as though they are your own. She has an errand to run? Do it for her. Her family needs a driver? Do it.

The sweetest thing any guy has evereverever done for me was to take 2 weeks leave during my A-levels. Drove from Bukit Timah to Seletar and back to Bukit Timah. He was in my room by 6am to wake me up. Made me breakfast. Waited for me while I was taking my exam and then took me out for lunch and sent me home. Went home at 12mn and back at my place at 6am the next day.

So if your gf's mom needs a ride somewhere, be a nice bf and send her around. If you can, fix the electrical appliances in ur gf's house. Clean the aircons. Change the lightbulbs. When your gf has guests over, entertain them. serve them drinks.

you're now mr. maid.

Family-man

Lastly, guys, never neglect the family of your gfs. Parents are always protective over their daughters. I know of parents who get pissed when their daughters come home after 10pm when they're out with their boyfriends. I tell you, when daughters get attached, parents become super paranoid. everything is forbidden.

"You're telling me you're wearing THAT out?"

"Mum, its a T-SHIRT."

"I see your skin. Now change into a turtleneck. and my high-waisted jeans."

You see guys, you have to earn the trust of your gf's family. Watch soccer with ur gf's dad. Buy her mom flowers. Play with the dog. Bond with her family.

So guys, that was invaluable advice, I know you agree. Trades of the trick.

Now, bow, call me dating guru and that will be $5,000 please :)

posted by me # 3:34 PM

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