i already forget how i used to feel about you

can we have obligations to someone we don't even know?

i have a friend who is embarrassed because she is 24 and has never had a boyfriend or anything remotely close to that. her closest encounter with anything romantic is having a crush on a guy when she was in secondary school.

i understand where she's coming from, but i don't think she has anything to be embarrassed about. on the contrary, i envy her. when i look at her, i think of how much she still has to offer and how much of myself i have already given away. she will still have the chance to create first memories with the one she loves the most. the one and only person she has felt this way for, the one and only person she has been this sweet to. the first and last pair of hands she will hold.

i never thought that indulging in romantic relationships in the past would be considered selfish. dating was fine to me, just going out, having fun was ok. I never saw the big deal of reserving yourself (not just sexually) for the ultimate person.

The more I love someone, the more jealous I get. His past affects me. Not because I will stop loving him, not because it will affect how I view him, but because I'm jealous that I have to share memories with another/several other girls. In the past, such things never mattered to me because I never really cared for another person. However, the more intense feelings get and the more heartfelt the relationship becomes, the more I want to be the only person he has ever loved. I hate it that when he looks at me the way he does, I think about whether he has looked at another girl the same way. When we go to a certain place, I think about whether another girl has been there with him too. It bothers me because i won't want to share him with other girls. I hate it that he has memories with another girl, another girl has memories of what it was like to be with him. it undermines how special the relationship is.

previously, i would have thought that that was just bull. it doesn't matter as long as i am the only person now, that eventually im the one he loves the most. but that's not true. Every relationship creates memories and leaves an imprint in your heart. It occupies a fraction of you and has become you. The heart is impressionable and every person you once love, you remember. Every such person is special. Can we actually say we don't cherish any past memory? In every relationship we want to make our mark, so that people don't forget us even when it ends. Yet in so doing, we take a piece of that person, we own a part of his history and his heart and his memory. So you see, every relationship takes something away from you and when you finally meet the person you really really want to be with, do you still have the best of you to offer? Will it be a pure, whole you or will you be a jigsaw puzzle pieced with fragments of different relationships?

It's not as simple as saying it's over, what we have now is far more special and exceedingly so. You wouldn't give a second-hand present to a very special friend, so why would you give a second/third/fourth-hand heart? It isn't that the heart is no longer good, it doesn't mean that the value has diminished. It does however mean that this heart has memories and previous imprints of other people.

It's like sex. I think that's one way we have failed so miserably in. So many of us reserve ourselves as a present for our future spouse as if it is grace. I think to give yourself away is to betray your future spouse. we've become so individualistic we dont stop to think about our responsibilities to a future unknown person.

for those reasons, im ashamed of myself for having been so selfish in the past. i would like to say that i love my future husband even before i knew him, that i treasure the relationship so much i reserved myself in every single way so that i am his exclusively. so that my heart was not tainted by memories of people who should have remained friends, of soft spots for people when i should only be having soft spot for my husband. Yet i was selfish. I have had relationships I sorely regret because I know it has become a part of me. I know i still think back fondly on memories created with other people even if we weren't truly together. I remember conversations, romantic dinners and mischievous childlike behaviour. Sweet tender moments that still make me smile. I revealed parts of myself and opened myself up to people who are not going to be permanent fixtures in my life. For that, I know I can no longer give myself wholly unto another person because I will carry with me these baggage of my past.

So for my friend who has not had a relationship yet, I envy you because you still have so much to offer.

and i'm sorry to the future mr. unknown ( if there even is one) who i know i have already betrayed even before i have met him.