i already forget how i used to feel about you

i'm overwhelmed with guilt. i just saw a picture of this old woman who was smiling so happily just because she was taking a photo. She smiles so brightly for the camera, hiding a little bit because she's shy. Her eyes are crinkled up in curved happy slits, the loose skin around them wrinkled with age, like thin paper crushed and crumpled over the years. She's abt 70years old and still working, rummaging through trash cans just for a little bit of extra cash because her children aren't supporting her.

when i saw that picture, i was struck down to the floor at how selfish, piteous, wretched my own life is. here i am, so self-absorbed in my own issues. thinking of new cars and condominiums, of 4k starting pays and 6-figure annual salaries. I think about beauty. of luxurious living, of classy flashy lifestyles. I dream of eternal youth and boundless energy.

Suddenly everything seems so insignificant. Here I am, fretting over not having what I want to have in my life. There are real people out there with greater problems. Issues of such magnitude that I have been sheltered from my whole life. Suddenly it hits me with such clarity, how much I actually have.

Everytime I witness something like that, I swear never to live life the way I do. I swear to spend wisely and to help those who are not as blessed as I am. Yet, when the moment passes, I revert back to my selfish ways. I may not be as materialistic as many other girls. I may not spend money as unthinkingly as others. But I could put my money to better use. I don't really need another bag, another pair of shoes, another dress, no matter how value-for-money it is.

I feel guilty for being so self-absorbed in my own perceived problems. I have the luxury of being upset of these things because I have been blessed enough not to have to worry about more pertinent issues. I'm lucky my parents are able to support me through university. We live relatively comfortably. We're healthy. We know God. We do not have major family problems. We have everything that we need.

But we're never satisfied. we keep wanting more. Why am I not thinner? Why am I not more beautiful? Why arent my grades better? Why am I not richer? We don't stop to wonder why we are given health, why we have the luxury of thinking about these trivial stuff, when people out there are actually worrying where the next meal comes from.


it's painful to see how ugly I really am. I'm greedy, I covet so much when I have so much. I am already so lucky. I promised in my heart to greet everyone with a smile, to be the best friend I can be, because other people have heartaches that i cannot comprehend because i'm too blessed to understand. I really wish I have the strength not to be conformed by this world.

I don't know what it is like to be poor/ugly/unaccepted/sick. I have God. Encouraging friends and family. What more could I ask for?

When I finally see past how my inadequacies, i realise how they only reflect how adequate I am. Maybe then, I can finally live happily, fully and freely in the joy and contentment I was meant to live in, by the unmatched grace of God.

Yet I know with a throbbing numbness that when I wake tomorrow morning, I'll have infinite complains about my life. I'll revert back to the selfish creature I am. And I wouldn't even begin to understand the magnitude of how much I have.

But right now, I detest the way I live and how I'm so self-absorbed.