i already forget how i used to feel about you

"It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends...you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

- Iris, The Holiday

I don't normally cry in movies, the ones that I have come close to crying in were Sweet November and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I didn't even tear in Titanic or Windstruck. But when I watched The Holiday I teared. It was one of the first few movies where I could really identify with the characters, like really feel for them. Maybe because I've gone through episode(s) of infidelity and betrayal, maybe because I have gone through what the characters go through that every word seemed to resonate within me, the stinging truth reverberating within my head.

I loved the message she sent to her ex Jasper, we both know I need to fall out of love with you. It would be nice if you would let me try. (or something like that) How Jasper cheated on her and tried to make it seem like her fault, how he refused to leave her life, how he kept sending mixed signals and finally telling her he wants her but is not about to leave his fiancee. I look at Iris and everything just hits straight home.

I'm not the only one who has been betrayed before, I know other people who have been hurt, sometimes not just girls. Friends who cry over those who are not worthy of their affections. Friends who can't seem to get over those who play with their feelings. How foolish the hearts of those who love in vain, that persistent refusal to let go. Outsiders will scoff and never understand why people can't just give up and move on.

What people don't see is how it makes them feel. You feel so useless and horrid, that you must not be good enough. Even if your head tells you that is not true, your heart doesn't do the same. And you start thinking if you improve yourself that you could make him eat his heart out, and maybe, he will want you back. Maybe if you were prettier, funnier, smarter that he would regret not cherishing you. Not that you would take him back, but just knowing that you are wanted, that he was wrong, that you are good enough would make it all right again.

One of the biggest injury from infidelity is how belittled it leaves you. I guess when people tell me that I have to live better to prove I am above all the shit, it made sense only because I wanted to spite him, to show that he's not all that powerful. Yet after it all, it just catapulted him to a higher pedestal, because he became once again my focal point, the source of motivation to improve myself. In the end, you feel more wretched than ever because you can't seem to detach yourself from him. In the end, despite all that he has done, despite him being such a despicable prick, that he is still such a big part of your life and you feel so hollow and disgusted that you are lower than even him.

And what Iris said is so true. You can run, you can escape. You can lie that life is good, you can actually be leading a better life. But when you know that he is still so powerful you just feel so ridiculously insignificant. Because you lost. You lost to him. He played you like a fool and you're just a laughingstock. And when you are alone, sometimes that little nagging voice in the ack of your mind keeps asking whether it was all that bad, maybe you did something wrong. Maybe you are not worthless. It's not that you don't understand or that you don't know the truth, but precisely because you do that makes you want to cry.

Only when you can move on, step out of the situation and see for yourself that you are not that bad, that you can piece yourself together. Eventually you just want someone to pull you out of it all and make you better again. Because you come to a point where enough is enough and you cant live like this anymore.

I need sleep. 7hrs in 3 days.