i already forget how i used to feel about you

When I first heard that my brother's ex-girlfriend was getting married at 22, I admit my first reaction was "hoho.. shotgun marriage." Because, much as it is my wish to get married before 25, I realise it is a near impossibility. Ok, it is impossible.

Firstly, I certainly don't have the money to get married. I should become a lawyer by February 2009. I'll be 25 by Sept 2005. That gives me 19 months to save at least $200 000. Plus, if I really want to take my masters, all my savings by then should be channelled into my education fund, leaving me zilch to start a new life. I know most people rely on their parents to support them financially when the time comes to leave the nest. Unfortunately, I really don't want to take anything from my parents because I just don't really think it is right. Plus they have four children, which is already a huge burden on them, taking into consideration that their sons will never make it into local universities. Not that my parents cannot afford it, or that they would mind helping out, but really, I would hope to be independent by 25, not relying on my parents for hand-outs when I'm a quarter of a century old.

Secondly, I want to get my masters, which means I'll probably only get it at 2011, by then I'll be 25 going on 26.

Thirdly, I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a target. So unless I marry myself, marriage is a far far faraway possibility.

Fourthly, and most importantly, I seem to have lost all my trust in relationships. Having witnessed/gone through the demise of relationships that lasted more than 3 years, sometimes even 8 years, it made me wonder when a relationship is truly stable, and whether it can last for life. When you are in the initial stages of a relationship, you always think that this person is so meant for you, you are so right for each other, but who knows? After 5 years, will you eventually tire out? Like the eligible guy Debbie Ong talked about, there are so many beautiful women out in the world, he couldn't possibly commit to one alone. They were so close to marriage, yet the guy realised that he just couldn't commit. How can you tell when a relationship will truly last for life?

Can love really last forever? Is it dependent on looks or feelings? I just don't see everlasting love anymore. In Desperate Housewives, Susan's dad comments on how his wife is 60 and "the bells stopped ringing for [him] long ago." It's like once a woman's boobs, skin, butt start to droop, when elasticity is no longer there, that guys just stop loving. On the contrary, guys don't seem to have this problem because they can actually look better as they age. They gain wealth and acquire a new air of dignity, which makes them more attractive as they grow older.

Or is love and fidelity separate? In Shanghai Baby, the german guy Mark who cheated on his wife said that loving a person and staying faithful are 2 different things. I really don't know. This is the one thing that really stumps me. I remember this girl in church who told me last year after what happened, that a guy who can cheat does not truly love the girlfriend. Yet I have other people telling me how you can cheat but still love a person.

Basically, all I'm saying is, what is the security you have in marriage? I used to think that marriage could make a woman feel secure, that she has this man to count on. But there's always divorce. There's always infidelity. How secure is that for a woman? She can still get dumped, she can still be left alone, she can still be abandoned. So is it better to be married and neglected, with children and a husband without love and trust, or to be single and alone?

During family law, we were asked what a marriage was, whether it was a contract or a covenant or something else. The scary thing about relationships is that you really cannot equate it to a contract can you? Even in marriage, its not truly a case of "signed sealed delivered, I'm yours." At least in a contract, you can implement steps so that where there is a breach you can get some form of compensation, reparations. Sadly, you can't do that in a relationship. If the person leaves, he leaves. Can you compel a man's heart to remain unchanging forever? Marriages have both the action aspect and the emotional aspect. It's not just how you behave while you're married, its also how you feel towards each other. The legal world may be able to regulate the first, but how about the latter? Contracts can only govern how individuals act towards each other, they cannot govern how we feel towards each other. For that reason, marriages cannot be likened to contracts. To do so would be to ridicule the sanctity of marriage (if it is sanctified at all), to undermine the complex emotional background behind the marriage, to relegate it to a mere transaction between two unfeeling unemotional beings.

What then, is the point of marriage? I'm really beginning to lose sight of what is important. Clearly, marriage is not the end goal, because it doesn't end there. Maybe it really is just a license to have sex. Sometimes, I really want my husband to be just a robot like in Stepford Wives.