i already forget how i used to feel about you

over the past few weeks, several things have been weighing on my mind. most of the time, i cant even begin to articulate what i feel. maybe i dont even know what i feel. perhaps, i am just indecisive and im not as opinionated as people generally think i am. im just a bimbo with no views.

Ive recently been pondering over the value of eternity in relationships. Ive talked to countless people abt it. I mean, i think i even told my mentor at drew i dont believe in rships anymore. the issue is really this, what does commitment mean?

when 2 ppl are committed in a rship, does this mean that they are committed to solving every problem that comes their way? or does it just mean that they are going to see each other exclusively till a problem comes their way?

everybody ive talked to tells me that im idealistic when i expect forever in a rship because no one can promise you that. no one can promise never to leave you because its too premature. you can never foresee the future. who knows? you might experience problems that you really cannot solve. are you going to persist in a relationship that is obviously not going to work out?

with all due respect, i cant really agree with that. we will never be able to foresee all the problems that come our way. how can the test of knowing whether the person is THE ONE be based on whether you have experienced and overcome every single problem? if that is the test, the test will never ever be completed. it would be childish to assume that after marriage, things are going to be easy, or that you would experience all the problems you would experience before marriage. if you want to overcome every single problem that comes your way, you would never ever ever get married.

to me, commitment means the courage and strength to face all the problems and to overcome the problems. it's telling yourself "this is it. i am going to make it work. whatever it takes, i am committed to making it work." its a tenacious, ongoing process to never give up. surely this must be it. the reason so many marriages fail is because couples just quit. that's not commitment. commitment means trying again and again. if you fail, try again.

we are all going to come across times when we are so discouraged and so weak and so tired, that we dont think we can possibly go on. is it right then, to take the easy way out and just give up? i know many people will tell me to "be realistic. sometimes its broken and just cant be fixed." but really, i want to believe in eternity and i want to believe that marriage can be forever.

if a guy can tell you "im committed to you. but i cant promise you forever", that guy is not committed to you. he is merely saying "i will try. but i cant guarrantee i wont give up." that's not commitment. it's trial and error. test driving. sampling. commitment is when you put down that money and you actually commit yourself to buying it. no returns, no refunds, no exchanges.

there's a difference between dating and committing. i think modern day dating has eroded our values so that people no longer see the great responsibility in dating. i admit i was like that (at least i hope im not like that now). i just saw dating as "ok let's try to see if it works out. enjoy the moment, be happy while it lasts". but if its not going to last, why try? that's just playing. dont start a rship if you are unsure. thats responsible dating. (i know im old-fashioned. i know im a prude.) if you say you are committed, never give up. that's the promise in the rship. thats security. thats commitment. that is love. (i know how it sounds. and i know i sound silly.)

its not easy, its extremely difficult. it might even be stupid. but love is stupid. it really is stupid. its designed for fools. but i know i still want to believe in forever. and thats not going to be unless i believe commitment means forever.

there are other things that ive been thinking about. but enough food for thought for now. and i promise. its not as emo as this. im just in one of my moods.